Making Waves

I’m a huge fan of Oprah and her hit OWN series  Master Class . Each season on Oprah’s Master Class , they're usually a handful of individuals who do a sit down, using their own life experiences as a class to glean from, and share with others. Each person shares how their journeys have helped guide and shape them into the person they’ve become. I love it. And whenever I watch it, I take notes and wonder, what will I wear when Oprah calls and wants to interview me for Master Class? I know I’m reaching, but anything is possible. That said, I’ve compiled a list of the different points I’ll reflect on when it’s my turn (see how I’m manifesting this before it even happens?) It’s okay to be different. Say something. Have boundaries. Keep going. Be kind. Setbacks don’t define you. Use your voice. Keep learning.        This list will make more sense as I elaborate each point in depth, but for now, let this list marinate until you see me on TV somed...

I used to be an ugly duckling. I found an old 8 th grade photo of myself and said, “Man, I was such a freaking loser.” My mother got real upset about this. She said, “Your dad and I always thought you were beautiful.” And my father replied, “You were never a loser, pal.” I thought they had to say those things because they’re my parents. But truthfully, from elementary school through my junior year of high school, I never thought I was an attractive young woman. I felt utterly invisible and unpretty growing up. For a long time I thought I was ugly. When I saw how my friends would get approached and asked out on dates, while I remained dateless and ignored, not to mention the insecurities I struggled with, having been one of the very few black girls in predominantly white neighborhoods and schools (and even through college) I thought, maybe that guy was right. I’m ugly. That guy was an old crush I’d had in middle school. When he found out I liked him, he laughed and said, she’s ug...

One of my former friends used to sell sex toys as a side hustle. She’d been inviting me to attend different pleasure parties she’d been hosting, and I continually declined. The idea of being in a room with other women discussing sex and sex toys made me feel uncomfortable . After dodging her endless requests for me to attend, I finally explained to her, I just don’t feel comfortable going to something like that. To be honest, I felt ashamed, like I was doing something wrong. My friend listened to me and explained that other women were declining as well because they were embarrassed about attending. She assured me that it'd just be a good time and a fun ladies night. I put my reservations aside and went, and to my surprise, it wasn’t nearly as awkward as I imagined it’d be. There were other young women there, and while we were all visibly nervous at first, each of us ended up sharing glasses of wine, laughs, funny stories about bad dates we’d been on, and being open to discuss...

I love the fall. It’s one of my favorite seasons and I look forward to this time of year for a number of reasons. Mostly because of… Cool, crisp weather Cozy, comfy blankets An excuse to unpack my fall wardrobe (sweaters, scarves, boots) Pumpkin spice lattes, baked treats, and just baking period Football season Preparing for the holidays The beautiful scenery (trees, leaves, pumpkins) Snuggling Comfort food And so much more… This time of year just feels so special, and I’m exciting for all the great things to come. What do you love about fall? 

I can’t remember the exact age I was when I met my first love. I just remember being really young. We found each other in a way I don’t think either of us anticipated. When we met, our encounter would change the rest of my life. My first love was a combination of two things: reading and writing. The first time I realized I loved the two, was when I read a book by Dr. Seuss titled, Hop on Pop . I remember asking my mom what every word said. Once I grasped the concept of reading, my next mission was to learn how to create what I’d fallen in love with. To this day, my love of books, reading, and writing, still gives me the same joy and love I first experienced as a little girl. If I have something great to read, paper, and/or a writing utensil, I’m good. I still utilize technology like computers for writing and my Nook (an e-reader) but I still love, enjoy, and appreciate the touch, smell, and feel of a good, old-fashioned book right off the shelf, and using paper, pencils, and pe...

The transition from college to the real world is no joke. I’m not a fan of process or transition, but both are common themes in life. When I was edging towards the end of my senior year of undergrad I was going through a wave of emotions. I had a lot on my mind: graduation, trying to land a great career opportunity, maintaining some relationships that were built, and trying to figure out, what’s next? Looking back I was sacred as hell and doing a crappy job of hiding it. I did reckless things like vent on social media and isolate myself away from people, when I probably should have stayed off of social media and spent more time with others, instead of being alone.  And more importantly, I should’ve been spending even more time with God. During this time, I was once asked if I was freaking out about finishing school. I had confidently said, “No.” But who was I kidding? I was definitely unsettled out about what was ahead. I’d been going on job interviews and taking meetings since Ja...

In October 2014 I made the decision to go natural. This wasn’t an easy choice but it had to be done. I’d been getting relaxers in my hair since I was seven, and the damage finally caught up to me when my hair started breaking off. For years, I had friends trying to get me to go natural but the thought of not having my hair relaxed and straightened was non-negotiable. I also thought I’d have to do the BC (big chop), which is a process where one has all of their damaged hair cut off all the way down to its most natural state. And I definitely wasn’t comfortable doing that. I did finally quit the relaxers but tried to be slick by still getting my hair pressed straight, acting as if heat damage wasn’t that big of a deal. Prior to my hair falling out and being damaged, I’d spend hours and lots of money every month going to the beauty shop. I was getting to the point where I was tired of spending so much money, not to mention sitting through lengthy and mostly late appointments, when I ...

The moment he referred to me as a cougar I was done. Not to mention his inconsistency and ultimate ghosting, all of which made me approach my openness to dating younger guys, something to approach with caution.    Whenever I’ve encountered a younger guy that’s shown interest in me, one of the following usually happens… He’ll make a move. Send one of his goofy friends over to make the move for him. Or admire me from afar and do nothing. I often get approached by guys younger than me because I look younger than my actual age. My melanin game is too strong, thank you very much. However, I’m a grown woman. I was always one of those women that said I’d never go for a guy younger than me, until I thought, maybe I should be more open . My rule was 21 and up. If the guy was 21 or older, I’d give him a chance. When I was 24 I was approached by a cute guy one day. He made the first move and when I asked him how old he was, he said, “I’ll be 21 tomorrow.” He really ...

I accepted a position at a place a number of people warned me not to take. Despite the warnings and cautionary tales I decided to go forward anyway. I had heard all kinds of things. It’s a dead end. There are no good ends with that. You’ll hate it. Quit. You don’t want to get stuck there and more. When I initially went for this position I didn’t get it. I was so sure I would and when I didn’t I took that as a sign that maybe everyone who warned me was right. In my mind I’d decided, I didn’t want that position anyway. This is for the best. The opportunity came around again, only this time around I was brought back in and offered the position. When it came around a second time I thought, well, maybe this is actually something I’m supposed to do. I’d been going on different interviews and taking meetings since the start of the year. I was determined not to be one of those college grads that waited until after graduation to look for a job. I decided, I’d have a job before I crossed the ...

As I write this, I’ve been sitting and staring at my blank screen trying to figure out where to begin. I have experiences of my own. I know there are many, many other women who’ve also endured sexual harassment and/or assault and are speaking and standing in their truths. There are others who may prefer to be silent, but, it’s okay to speak up. Your story can really help someone else. When I first saw the Me Too movement throughout my newsfeed, I had recently finished reading a story about a rape survivor. Her story was so awful, graphic, and heartbreaking that after reading it, I couldn’t believe someone could ever do something so heinous to another human being. It was a reminder of the evil that is prevalent in this world and unfortunately, the reality of the wickedness in others. Truthfully, I don’t know many women who haven’t been sexually harassed or assaulted at some point. According to rainn.org: Every 98 seconds an American is sexually assaulted. 1 out of every 6...

Validation is a dangerous trap. It’s scary because it’s intoxicating and a lot of people are so deep into it, they don’t even realize it. It use to really bother me when I wasn’t received by people who either didn’t like me, or by people I thought would support and cheer me on during different seasons in my life. I finally came to the conclusion that if you live for people’s compliments, celebrations of you, or any other fleeting forms of validation, you’ll die from their silence, disapproval, or opinions. Maybe not a quick death, but a slowly drawn out one, that’ll begin the moment people don’t cater or coddle your desire to be liked, loved, or accepted. Trust me. Also, social media “likes” (or lack thereof) and the other button options available to choose from, don’t mean anything. Not anything serious, anyway. It’s important not to let these things go to your head, and especially not your heart. It’s easy to get caught up, so I encourage people to be careful and often remind...

There’s a saying that goes, “Once you go black, you never go back” referencing those outside of the African- American race having a preference for being intimately involved with African-American men and women. Honestly, I don’t like the saying. While I have no issues with interracial relationships, I find non African-Americans who are too extra about their preference for being attracted and/or romantically linked to us – annoying. Since when did being with someone black become trendy? The first time I noticed this was during a seemingly innocent interaction. I was out on the town with a friend, and a guy took notice of me. He was obviously shy, because he sent his friend over to be his wing man. To give you more of a visual, both of these guys were white. When the guy that was too scared to talk to me sent his friend over, my friend and I brushed them off. We all ended up running into each other again, only this time around the shy guy’s sister approached me. She asked me if I was mar...

I believe in the value of mentorship. I’m blessed to have a handful of mentors and also be a mentor to different young women in my life. T.D. Jakes once said, “Choose your mentors a la carte.” I’ve got older mentors, younger ones, and even some who are the same age as me. And what I love about them all is that they each have something different to offer, and more importantly, can reciprocate what’s poured. I used to believe that having just one mentor was best, until I realized the benefits of having others from different walks of life, in my life. It’s incredible how much experience, guidance, insight and value mentors possess. They can provide trinkets of wisdom that can help guide you towards success, and even show you how to weather different storms and challenges you may face in your life, and teach you how to glean important lessons from those challenges. If you don’t have a mentor or any mentors, I definitely encourage being open to explore who the ones are you should be connec...

When I think about an alpha female the following words come to mind: Strong, independent, confident, bold, and courageous. These days, many women may find themselves in the alpha female category. I can resonate with being this kind of woman, because, I am one. I know a number of other women who are as well. Now more than ever, being an alpha female is something that is celebrated thanks to more and more women shattering glass ceilings, and taking on more non-traditional routes and roles in life. Because of this, I believe there are often misconceptions about being this kind of woman that I want to clear up. Keep in mind, this is only from my experience and perspective, but if this helps other women in similar situations, I’m glad to speak up. As an alpha female, I’m not some career obsessed, I don’t want/need a man in my life , and having a baby will ruin my life and plans , person. I’m definitely not that person. Healthy relationships seem great, and kids are cool too (especial...

When I was five years old I was afraid to speak. As a matter of fact, my kindergarten teacher reached out to my parents and expressed concerns over how fragile she thought I was. Whenever I noticed something I should’ve spoken up about or was upset about something, I’d remain silent and say nothing. Because of this, I never fully learned to establish healthy boundaries, which later caused a lot of issues. Now, I’m doing the hard work to learn how to be consistent with setting appropriate boundaries in my life. Because I didn’t learn to set boundaries early, a lot of things happened that may have otherwise been prevented, if I was able to communicate things more directly and clearly. I used to feel guilty and heavily burdened not feeling I could speak about things that were upsetting, communicate why I felt the way I did, and be okay with telling people the word, no . Whenever I wanted to say no or be upfront about something, different family members and friends in my life would withdr...

An old journal entry from 12/27/16 I don’t want to… Suffocate in sameness. Waste time wandering. Settle in any area of my life (career, love, experiences, and opportunities) Make compromises that hinder my blessings/walk with God. I do want to… Live a whole, full life as a single woman before ever settling down. Travel/see more of the world. Fulfill my God-given purpose and destiny. Be in a position to help others. Break painful cycles/habits in my family. Inspire the next generation of believers. This year I made a choice to work on becoming a better me. Overall, it’s been a challenging year, yet, impressive and transformative. At the end of 2016 I wrote out a list of different things I wanted to accomplish, and I’m happy to report that with the exception of a handful of things, I’ve been able to cross almost everything off the list. One evening I went through some of my old journals, and noticed something cool when I read through what 2016-2017 was li...

I believe a lot of men objectify women and enjoy it. While it’s disgusting and discomforting, I sometimes wonder, how often do women objectify men? I find that it rarely happens. Even with the rise of the male romper trend (it’s not a good look lol), men in Speedo’s, shirtless men with ripped abs featured in various ads, in addition to male strip clubs and the whole Magic Mike thing (you know, the film with Channing Tatum who’s a dreamer by day and a stripper by night?) Oh, and how could I forget all those guys on the abc reality show, The Bachelorette ? The sexualization of men does happen. I can only write from my perspective as a young woman, but most of the women I’ve been around don’t frequent male strip clubs, make inappropriate comments or gestures, or use improper pick up lines to get at guys the way some guys do with women. At best, I usually hear things like, he’s cute, he’s hot, he’s a babe, or he’s sexy . The same way I don’t like being objectified, I can’t imagine that ...

A little while ago I heard about a series on Oprah’s OWN network titled, Black Love, looking into different couples and love stories in the black community. When I learned of the series, I found myself drawn to what it entailed and after catching a sneak peek, I found myself growing intrigued. While I’m not fully open to going public about my own love life, I’ve found myself becoming fascinated with black love. As a black woman who pretty much embodies all kinds of black girl magic, I’ve had people take some jabs at me about being what they call a white-black girl and constantly being accused of having a type, in regards to guys I talk to or show an interest in dating, this type referring to white guys, which isn’t true. I don’t have a type. And I’m definitely not one of those ignorant people that says things like, “I just like guys from this or that race and would never date a guy of this or that race…” I’m open to all kinds of guys and race isn’t a deal breaker for me, however, the...

I’ve repeatedly made the mistake of choosing the wrong friends, wrong guys, and moving too fast with both. My mother once told me, “Don’t give people all your goods before you get to know them.” She’s one of the wisest and most street smart women I know, and she’s right. I’ve often given people the benefit of the doubt upon first impressions, a few times hanging out, and even after a couple of dates, without ever questioning the following: Why is this person interested in me? What does this person want from me? Why does this person want to spend time with me? I believe every person that enters your life, especially in regards to friendships or significant others should go through a screening process. Perhaps doing so would let people know that loyal friends and worthy suitors come with a high price. They’re both very expensive. I’ve had enough lousy encounters and wounds to know the costs that come with being quick to embrace someone without questioning the three quest...

When I was seven I accepted Christ into my heart and life. From that day forward, I was lit for the Lord. I’d grown up in my childhood church and remained there until my mid-teens until a massive conflict occurred, leading my family and a number of others to part ways. After that, my family and I visited other church homes until we landed on a place of our own, and the rest was history – or so I thought. When it was time for college, I looked into attending Christian schools. I was eager, yet, so blind and naïve to what lied ahead. I saw things happen and had experiences that made me question if I was still saved. I’ve seen it all. I’ve seen everything from spiritual manipulation, legalistic force and practices, questionable leadership, abusive power, and shady behavior in the church, and was surprised to see more and more of these kinds of behaviors as an adult. “Surely, you should have known these things would happen”, a confidant shared with me. “I didn’t know it’d be l...

Kendrick Lamar is one of the most socially conscious artists of our time. Awhile back, he dropped a song titled –  Humble.  And I love it. I think his work is incredible and  Humble  is a reminder to people who are full of themselves, to chill. Kendrick Lamar is great at this. One of the things I admire about him is although he probably  knows  he’s dope, he doesn’t have to go around bragging about it. See where I’m going with this?                                      If you don’t, go listen to  Humble  a handful of times and you may get the picture. Whenever someone’s paid me a compliment, most of the time, I usually say  thanks  or  please, stop  lol but I’m mindful not to let myself get too carried away or grow a massive ego, because I’m ...

I’m usually right about people when I meet them. My ability to spot red flags is strong. I believe in seeing the good in others, but I also recognize how important it is being able to fully see someone for who and what they are. Spotting red flags is a great way to assess this. Most people will show you exactly who they are if you really pay attention. Think about it. I recently checked out a book on this subject, titled, Red Flags: How to Spot Frenemies, Underminers, and Toxic People in Your Life, by Wendy L. Patrick. An acronym titled FLAG from her book lists the following to look out for when spotting red flags… Focus Lifestyle Associations Goals When I dived into this book I was alarmed at the different things an investigator could easily miss and/or catch about someone, and it definitely had me thinking about different people I’ve known and encountered in my own life. If you can identify someone’s focus, pay attention to their lifestyle, notice who th...

I marvel at the way people casually think that liking and/or lusting for someone equates to love. I mean, it’s so mind-blowing to me it’s scary (not to mention a bit dangerous.) But it’s common. Think about it. I don’t know too many people who haven’t liked, lusted, or loved someone at one point or another, but when it comes to the love   part, I think a lot of people get things twisted, which probably explains a lot of the broken hearts, mixed messages, temporary satisfaction, bed-hopping, sexually transmitted diseases, unplanned pregnancies, and failed relationships that are happening more and more each day. People  think  they’re in love when really they just like someone, have caved to lust, or even worse, are infatuated with someone and under the impression that those feelings are real love. Confession: I don’t know what a healthy relationship looks like. So, for me to want something as serious as a relationship without the precedent of what a healthy one lo...