When I was five years old I was
afraid to speak. As a matter of fact, my kindergarten teacher reached out to my
parents and expressed concerns over how fragile
she thought I was. Whenever I noticed something I should’ve spoken up about
or was upset about something, I’d remain silent and say nothing. Because of
this, I never fully learned to establish healthy boundaries, which later caused
a lot of issues. Now, I’m doing the hard work to learn how to be consistent
with setting appropriate boundaries in my life. Because I didn’t learn to set
boundaries early, a lot of things happened that may have otherwise been
prevented, if I was able to communicate things more directly and clearly. I used
to feel guilty and heavily burdened not feeling I could speak about things that
were upsetting, communicate why I felt the way I did, and be okay with telling
people the word, no. Whenever I
wanted to say no or be upfront about something, different family members and
friends in my life would withdraw, which I never recognized was a detriment to
me and also a form of control and manipulation. Withdrawals from others, struck
fear in me of being abandoned or not liked or loved, and caused me to be
compliant in areas where it should have been perfectly fine for me to speak up,
say no, choose differently, and be comfortable making my own decisions.
Failure to do these things in childhood, significantly impacted a number of relationships in my life, and
it’s taken 22 years to understand what the problem was. Most adult issues stem
from childhood issues that were either never confronted or fully resolved, and I
began noticing some unpleasant patterns. I continually accepted one-sided
friendships, unavailable and withdrawing guys, carried guilt when telling people,
no, even when it caused me harm,
complied just to keep the peace, prioritized other people’s demands, needs, and
wants over my own, and would say nothing and grow resentful. I never understood
why I felt resentment until I could
see where the problem was – a five year old little girl being afraid to speak, out
of fear of others withdrawing.
Once I realized how problematic
this was and where the root of it took place, I knew I needed help and made
a decision - it's time to change this.
The first thing I did was pray. I
asked God, “How did I get this way?” Once I did that, it was like things
clicked. I was able to pinpoint what needed to be fixed and see what areas
needed work moving forward. I can’t control other people, but, I can control
myself. If someone withdraws from me for setting boundaries, it doesn’t mean
something is wrong with me. Often, it may be the other person. I can’t make
someone stay connected to me, and I can choose freely without feeling guilty or
afraid.
I believe there’s a common misconception
about establishing boundaries being selfish, which isn't selfish at all. I often
used to question, “Why am I the one feeling uneasy because of what someone else
wants?” It’s interesting that people have no problem putting their demands and
requests on others, without realizing the harm they’re causing. However, if one
doesn’t speak up and set boundaries, which person is really at fault: the one that’s
demanding, or the one silently nursing turmoil?
It’s hard learning to set appropriate boundaries after spending years,
in my case, 22 years, of being a doormat, going with the flow, and not fully
speaking up. I’ve experienced family and friends express hurt over the changes,
which is tough, but boundaries where there weren’t boundaries before will do
this, and I’m prepared for that. It’s challenging, but I do feel weights being
lifted of no longer carrying things I’m not meant to carry, and learning how
beautiful and peaceful a life with boundaries can be. I’ve been taking baby
steps, but I see progress. I get to experience freedom in a way I haven’t
before, and it’s been worth it.
If you’re having boundaries issues
or have had them, a great resource to check out is Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. It’s incredibly
resourceful.