Making Waves

Working in education is a rewarding experience.  I get to teach my favorite content area (English), invest in the lives of young people, and work in a space where I feel free to be me. It’s also been great working with wonderful educators, some of whom I’ve developed trusted friendships with, who’ve approached the workplace with professionalism, positivity, and a great work ethic and attitude. But the same can’t be said of all educators. There have been some I’ve met and immediately knew to stay far away from. Negative energy, mean girl vibes, pettiness, messiness, and drama can easily be detected when you pay close attention. People are always communicating messages to us about who they truly are. In education, the students aren’t always the biggest challenge. Often, it’s the educators who behave like some of the students we teach. It’s disturbing witnessing educators, often grown women, forming alliances and friendships with other educators who shouldn’t be trusted. They create...

Today’s current dating climate is bizarre. It’s grown so bizarre, that men barely, if ever in some cases, will approach a woman in person and ask her out on a date. Instead, the new normal has become DM sliding, creeping on social media accounts, and liking photos to build romantic connections, which honestly doesn’t sound too romantic or appealing to me at all. As a child of the 90s and a teenager of the early 2000s, I miss and prefer the time when men interacted with women without hiding behind technology. There was something special about handwritten cards and notes, thoughtful dates, serendipity, and intentionality. After having some unpleasant encounters, embarrassing moments, and failed set ups (from well meaning people who believe I need to be partnered), I’ve decided, that now, at 36, to choose me. I’m ditching dating and decentering men. I’m no longer interested in meeting anyone, dating, or creating space to prioritize a relationship. I’ve never been a male-centered woman any...

About a year ago, a thirty-something-year-old revealed to me that he didn’t want to marry his girlfriend. He explained how they traveled together, how much she turned him on, and that she was a single mother. He also described her as a non-ambitious woman. While he doesn’t have kids of his own and doesn’t want to start a family until he’s married, he made it clear that his girlfriend isn’t “the one.” When I asked him if he wanted to marry her, the room fell completely silent. Her child from a previous relationship is what makes him hesitant. He went on to share that he still doesn’t know what he wants and that he’s not into having a blended family. However, he’s dating a single mother who I imagine has no idea he feels this way. One of his married friends told him, “I know you’re sleeping with this girl and hanging out with her, but if you’re not going to marry her, you need to break up with her.” I even warned him that he may end up getting got if he’s not careful… but he doesn’t thin...

I’m convinced that many people don’t think before they speak. Especially when it comes to interacting with people who don’t have children. Normally, I’ve held my peace with this and felt the need to solely address women when it comes to this topic, but lately this is a message that men can benefit from too. Stop saying stupid stuff to people who don’t have children . I know this might be a difficult task for those of you who are nosey, have concerns that have nothing to do with you, or may be unhappy in your own life, but stop with the questions, jokes, and reckless comments. Even if you believe you’re being funny, making conversation, or coming from a genuine place, you’re honestly out of line. Because someone not having children and why is none of your business. I don’t have children, and I honestly don’t know if I will, but as a woman, I’m good with my life either way. I’ll always be grateful for what I have instead of lamenting about what I don’t. Which is probably why getting olde...

In the 2017 horror film Get Out , there’s an unforgettable scene when one of the film’s villainous characters, Rose, a young white woman, is seen eating Fruit Loops and drinking a bottle of milk through a straw as she searches the internet for “Top NCAA prospects.” This moment in the film is frightening because the purpose of Rose’s search is to ultimately lure young and unsuspecting Black men to a deadly fate after she begins dating them. If you’ve seen the film, you know how everything ultimately turns out, but if you haven’t, you’ll have a better understanding of the bigger picture.  Recently, college football superstar and future NFL prospect, Travis Hunter, became a source of media scrutiny and controversy regarding his relationship with his fiancée, Leanna Lenee. Much of the criticism was around his fiancée and comments she shared about how she wasn’t initially interested in Travis before they started dating. Additionally, she received backlash regarding the couple’s interact...

When I was about five years old, I was sitting in the backseat of my dad’s car when me, him, my older cousin (my aunt’s son), and my aunt (my dad’s sister) caught my aunt’s fiancé with another woman. My dad had been driving my aunt out to run some errands since she didn’t have a driver’s license or a car. When she spotted her man with another woman, she told my dad to pull the car over, got out of the car, and immediately addressed him. She wanted the keys back to her apartment and was done with him. The other woman she caught her fiancé with slapped him when she realized what was happening, and that was that. When my aunt returned to the car, she was clearly and understandably upset, and the ride back to her place was quiet. Although I was too young to fully grasp what was happening at the time, I knew it wasn’t good. And now, at 34 years old, I can’t imagine how much pain she was in. Her wedding had been planned and paid for – and she never made it down the aisle. My aunt was a beaut...

One afternoon as I was having a quiet lunch, I was approached by a handsome thirtysomething year old who asked if he could sit with me.  When he sat, we ended up talking about a handful of different things and happened to dive into the topic of relationships. As we spoke, he shared his desire to have a wife and kids. As I listened, he shared that although he wanted a family of his own and had dabbled with dating and juggling different women in the “talking stage”, he expressed that women have always been a vice for him. “I date a lot of pretty girls, but I don’t feel like there’s been anything more than that with them,” he explained.  “Like are they dense or something?” I jokingly asked.  “They’re not blatantly stupid,” he replied. “They’re just pretty, and I’m looking for more.”  Interesting , I thought.  He talked to me about his past and what he was seeking in an ideal partner (someone who’s attractive and smart on the inside and out), and went on to share hi...

One evening as I was staring at my reflection in my bathroom mirror, I paused. I took a real good look at myself, did a little spin, and as I stared on, God said this to me: “Just because you’re not in a relationship doesn’t mean you aren’t experiencing love.”  The moment I heard those words, I started crying. I suddenly felt refreshed when I thought about all the love I have in my life with God, myself, my close family members, and my friends, and my heart was filled with joy. Though the love I’m experiencing isn’t “romantic,” it’s exactly what I need it to be and it’s enough. Especially as I celebrate my single girl era.   I’m enjoying being single, ya’ll. For real.    It’s taken a minute to arrive at this level of contentment, but I’m grateful for my singleness and I find myself unapologetically celebrating it as much as I can. I’ve even turned down some date invites because of how good I am on this end. And I’ve got to say that this may be one of my best (and fav...

As we approach the end of another year, I’ve taken some time to reflect on what this year has been like, areas I want to grow in and improve upon, and different things I both want and need to change while preparing for the year to come. And one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned while reflecting on this year is that you can’t help people who don’t listen.  Throughout my life, I’ve often found myself as the “go to” person for advice, wisdom, and guidance regarding different decisions in the lives of different family members, friends, significant others, colleagues, and sometimes even acquaintances. While it’s been flattering to be a source of help, it’s equally been frustrating when I’m asked for advice (that’s typically not followed… until things go up in smoke) after those who approached me for advice in the first place, have already made a decision that completely goes against the wisdom that was shared with them to avoid a messy, chaotic, and sometimes heartbreaking, outcome. ...

Ghosting: the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication. I’ve been ghosted by every guy I’ve met within the past two years. About  six  to be exact. ·        The first guy pursued me and then got shady whenever I asked him about what he did for a living and where he lived. When he started dodging and avoiding questions, wouldn’t initiate dates, and slowly stopped keeping in touch with me altogether, eventually, all communication ceased. ·        The second guy was someone I met through a family member. He was super cool, very smart, handsome, and funny, but didn’t want to be in a relationship and acted like he didn’t want to be seen with me publicly. When we had plans to meet for an outing, he didn’t show up, and then texted me about a week later with an apology. We chilled at my place a few times, had a few phone conversations, and e...

I dislike almost everything about what’s now considered “modern dating.”  Dating apps.  DM sliding.  Exchanging thirst traps.  Hookup culture.  The talking stage.  Lingering indecisiveness in the “what are we doing and where are things going?” conversations.  And the mindset that anyone and everyone is technically “fair game” if they’re not married (even if they’re “technically” already spoken for…)  I’ve moved through some of the things listed above and have found the modern dating world draining. And while I’ve approached dating the “Christian way,” cried out to God, tried being more open, and out of frustration, jokingly considered having a ho phase for fun ( no worries – I’m way too much of a God-fearing church girl to follow through with that life, but I also don’t judge those who do partake ), one evening as I was nursing some hurt feelings after a guy I’d spent some time with suddenly bailed, I remembered some sound relationship advice my d...

Earlier this year, I’d been praying about getting into a serious relationship.   Shortly after I started praying, it seemed as if guys started popping up from all over the place – through my social media inbox, through some serendipitous encounters whenever I was out minding my business, and even through a close friend who asked if she could give my number to a guy she knew and wanted to introduce me to (who ultimately ended up never reaching out). Some of these encounters went nowhere, were very surface-level and superficial, and felt like a complete waste of my time. Beyond a few casual conversations and little to no chemistry or follow ups, I found myself disappointed at every turn.    And then I ran into someone who almost immediately struck my interest. He was nice, smart, and well put together. Though we didn’t know each other long, we chatted a bit and kept randomly crossing paths. So when I noticed he didn’t have a ring on his finger, I wondered if he was truly av...

I think it’s odd that there’s a relationship status feature on Facebook. Years ago, I decided to keep my status private and hidden. And though this may seem like an odd choice to some, I’ve learned that at the end of the day, your relationship and relationship status are not anyone else’s business but your own. You don’t need to be “Facebook Official” or “Instagram Official” to have a happy and healthy relationship. You can enjoy being with the person you’re with and build new memories and special moments together offline. I know this isn’t a popular thing to do, but it’s at least worth trying. If you are spoken for, you can make that clear through sharing photos of who you’re with if you’d like – although I don’t recommend doing so unless you’re certain you’re with someone you plan on being with for good. If things don’t work out, you can walk away quietly and discreetly without taking a ton of photos down, responding to nosey people who want to know what happened, and more. You’ll at...

In 2007, Tyler Perry wrote and directed a film titled   Daddy’s Little Girls.  The film centers on an unexpected romance between a mechanic named Monty (Idris Elba), who also happens to be a single father of three little girls. He meets and eventually pursues a romantic relationship with a successful lawyer named Julia (Gabrielle Union), who he initially met after accepting a position as her driver. Upon Monty and Julia’s first introductions to one another, it’s clear that they couldn’t be more different. Monty’s a single father from the hood, working hard to take care of himself and his girls. Julia’s a put-together uptown girl focused on her career. They have little in common. And on a socioeconomic level, Julia is the winner in this scenario. So how in the world could these two ever be interested in each other? Watch the film and see for yourself – unless you’ve seen it already.    Either way, it’s an interesting love story. I can see what Tyler Perry was trying t...

When the topic of Christian couples living together before marriage came up on   The Godly Dating 101 Podcast , I was blown away. The conversation on the topic was very forward, insightful, and timely. And while I know this is a topic that can be uncomfortable to discuss, here’s the thing. I’m not here to judge anyone. I have unmarried non-Christian family members and friends who’ve lived (or are currently living) with their significant others. And I have unmarried Christian family members and friends who’ve lived (or are currently living) with their significant others too. To each their own. However, as for me and my house? The answer will always be   hell no   to living together before marriage. Even if there’s been a stunning proposal, a beautiful ring placed on my finger, and a standing engagement, the answer will still be   no .     I refuse to be a live-in girlfriend or fiancée. I’m also not going to date someone and wait several years for a proposal ...