About a year ago, a thirty-something-year-old revealed to me that he didn’t want to marry his girlfriend.
He explained how they traveled together, how much she turned him on, and that she was a single mother. He also described her as a non-ambitious woman. While he doesn’t have kids of his own and doesn’t want to start a family until he’s married, he made it clear that his girlfriend isn’t “the one.” When I asked him if he wanted to marry her, the room fell completely silent.Her child from a previous relationship is what makes him hesitant.
He went on to share that he still doesn’t know what he wants and that he’s not into having a blended family. However, he’s dating a single mother who I imagine has no idea he feels this way. One of his married friends told him, “I know you’re sleeping with this girl and hanging out with her, but if you’re not going to marry her, you need to break up with her.”
I even warned him that he may end up getting got if he’s not careful… but he doesn’t think he will. I’m sure many men who didn’t have kids at first thought the same thing before linking with women who already did.
As a God-fearing woman, I don’t partake in or encourage sleepovers with significant others, shacking up, having children outside of marriage, having children with multiple partners, or treating partners like spouses when they’re not. Doing so communicates expectations that likely won’t be met and can cause drama, broken homes, and unnecessary stress I don’t want or need in my life. However, I understand the world we’re living in moves differently with these kinds of things. But as I’ve maintained in past posts, as for me and my house? We will serve the Lord (Joshua 24:15).
It's devastating when women who are dating and in relationships for years learn that the men they’ve given their time to don’t want to marry them. Yet, these same women -- beautiful, brilliant, educated, and financially stable women generously give their bodies, homes, money, and time over to men playing with them. For years. Five years has been the time frame from heartbroken women who have come to me with this, and it’s been the same time for men who shared the timeline of their serious relationships ending in big breakups. I don’t like it, and I don’t get it. If you’re locked in with a great catch you claim to care about and even love, why take forever to propose?
When I detect a man is playing with me, I check out early. My time is expensive, and it’s a privilege to have access to me. I know my value and understand that I have options outside of letting someone play in my face for five (or more) years.
Women are building wealth and businesses, buying properties, earning degrees, investing in their communities, and more. Who has time to play or wait for someone who’s dragging things out?
You can also miss me with the “You’re too independent, intimidating, and successful…” lines too. And you can really miss me with vain comments. Recently, a tall, bald, heavy set, and bearded Black male educator that a mentor recently tried setting me up with shared that he thought I was a beautiful lady, but that he prefers women who are short and chocolate. How dare I be tall, brown, and beautiful? But anyway.
If God has a partner in mind for me, I hope he’s someone arriving with purpose. Because if he’s not? I’m happy to show him to the door.
I've got things to do.