I’m Glad I’m Not Married

When I was about five years old, I was sitting in the backseat of my dad’s car when me, him, my older cousin (my aunt’s son), and my aunt (my dad’s sister) caught my aunt’s fiancé with another woman. My dad had been driving my aunt out to run some errands since she didn’t have a driver’s license or a car. When she spotted her man with another woman, she told my dad to pull the car over, got out of the car, and immediately addressed him. She wanted the keys back to her apartment and was done with him.

The other woman she caught her fiancé with slapped him when she realized what was happening, and that was that. When my aunt returned to the car, she was clearly and understandably upset, and the ride back to her place was quiet. Although I was too young to fully grasp what was happening at the time, I knew it wasn’t good.

And now, at 34 years old, I can’t imagine how much pain she was in.

Her wedding had been planned and paid for – and she never made it down the aisle.

My aunt was a beautiful (light-skinned pretty privileged), stylish, creative, and hardworking woman who spent a great deal of her life dealing with men who didn’t always treat her right or appreciate her, and she never really liked or enjoyed being on her own. I watched a few dudes live off her (who couldn’t afford places of their own), make excuses for why they wouldn’t help her pay for things when money got tight, and slowly watched her grow bitter with life as I got older.

She passed away in 2022, and when I think about her and how she never got the wedding she wanted, the kind of man she hoped for, and all the things she didn’t get to do and experience, I often take inventory of my own life. To this day, I can still remember seeing her in her casket at her homegoing service and one of her exes wailing with immense amounts of grief in the lobby as our family gathered to say our final goodbyes. When I was asked to speak at her service, I initially wasn’t interested since we’d had our differences when I became an adult, but when it really hit me that she was gone and I thought about all she’d been through, I was saddened.

Shortly before her passing, I met a guy I’d been introduced to and had been moving through “the talking stage” with for a few months. During one of our early conversations, I’d asked him if he wanted to get married someday and he said, “Yes.” He also shared that he’d been engaged before and when things didn’t work out with his ex, he moved on. He was well-educated, funny, handsome, child-free, and someone I enjoyed spending time with and getting to know. I even felt comfortable enough to allow him into my home to chill sometimes. But when he stood me up for our first date out together, was out with another woman, and eventually ghosted me without warning or notice, things didn’t work out.

He also didn’t have his own place and wasn’t financially stable, so while I was disappointed about how things turned out, in hindsight, that situation ending was for the best. To my surprise, one of his best friends questioned if I was good enough for him to begin with, which was strange considering I brought more to the table than he did. But anyway.

I soon realized that dating (and eventually trying to settle down) in this climate isn’t as fun or exciting as some people might think. The optics of cute couples, engagement photo shoots, and weddings aren’t always what they seem. I grew up believing that wanting and obtaining a spouse was one of the “boxes” you should check as a grown woman and that one would eventually come along, but if I can be real, I’m glad I’m not married.

Weddings are fun but marriage seems like very hard and sacrificial work. Getting together to celebrate with your family and friends is one thing – but doing life with the same person every day for the rest of your life is quite another. I can see why some people wouldn’t want to. Especially when life starts “life-ing.” I suppose that’s why vows are in place.

Deconstructing all the things I’ve been taught a woman should want and should have has been an eye-opening and cathartic experience for me, though.

It seems strange to write, but after dealing with a handful of disappointing and selfish dudes who’ve wasted my time, wanted to play, didn’t have their stuff together, and were always making excuses about everything, I just don’t have the time or patience for anyone or anything that’s not effective and purposeful. After all, if a man can’t adequately partner, provide, and protect, is he really worth your time?

I love having peace, progress, and quiet time to myself. I’ve spent most of my time enjoying coming into my own and pursuing purpose before partnership. I’m living for something bigger than a ring and a last name change.

I already have stunning diamonds and timeless jewelry. 

I have my education.

I have financial stability.

I have a beautiful and peaceful home that I own, love, and enjoy.

I have an adorable fur baby who’s a great protector and available for occasional snuggles.

I have career opportunities I enjoy and look forward to each day.

And I have a rich support system filled with people I love – God’s been very good to me. 

If a guy (who has his stuff together) comes along who wants to partner and build a life together, great. If not? I’ll live.

I’ve run into different married people and people with kids who’ve made fun of me, criticized me, and tried their hardest to make me feel as if my life was less because it didn’t look like theirs, but none of what they’ve said matters or holds true weight.

I love my life. It’s so rich in some of the most special and incredible ways. And I intend to continue enjoying it.