As we approach the end of another year, I’ve taken some time to reflect on what this year has been like, areas I want to grow in and improve upon, and different things I both want and need to change while preparing for the year to come. And one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned while reflecting on this year is that you can’t help people who don’t listen.
Throughout my life, I’ve often found myself as the “go to” person for advice, wisdom, and guidance regarding different decisions in the lives of different family members, friends, significant others, colleagues, and sometimes even acquaintances. While it’s been flattering to be a source of help, it’s equally been frustrating when I’m asked for advice (that’s typically not followed… until things go up in smoke) after those who approached me for advice in the first place, have already made a decision that completely goes against the wisdom that was shared with them to avoid a messy, chaotic, and sometimes heartbreaking, outcome.
Months ago, I had a dream I was actively witnessing someone I cared about going through a rough time that impacted them in a major way. As I stood and watched things unfold, I sighed deeply, shook my head, and in this dream, I said, “No one listens to me until things go up in smoke.” When I woke up, I thought, “Welp, that sounds about right.”
In my own life, I’ve often tried to help people who have approached me for advice, especially when I could see that some of the decisions they were (and weren’t) making, weren’t going to end well for them. Almost every time I inserted myself into some of these situations, my stepping in still didn’t change the mind of the person who wouldn’t listen. I eventually learned and understood that once someone decides not to listen, they’re going to do whatever they want. This pattern went on and on until one day one of my colleagues sat me down and said, “Ms. Heard, look at me and listen. You are not responsible for what other people do.”
When our eyes locked and I thought about what those words meant, they stuck with me.
I am not responsible for what other people do. More specifically, what they choose to do.
A new wave of peace entered my life the moment I started pulling back. I’m a great listener but when I know someone won’t listen to reason or common sense, and choose not to do the right thing, I shut my mouth and carry on. I don’t consider myself an advice expert, as I don’t know everything, and like many others, I’m doing my best to make good choices, while also figuring things out as I go. I often seek God first, reach out to wise counsel, and then move. I’ve definitely made some mistakes, had some setbacks, and was able to recover from those situations well, but I could have avoided many painful moments if I’d just listened to God, the wise counsel He placed in my life (in the form of my parents and different mentors I’ve met along the way), and then made my next moves.
One thing I'd encourage everyone to do as this year ends and a new one begins is to learn to listen. I understand that all advice is not good (or even beneficial), but you can actively seek God and ask Him to reveal what advice would be best for you regarding any choices, moves, or pending decisions you're considering. Also, seeking wise counsel can be beneficial too.