Watch the film and see for yourself – unless you’ve seen it already.
Either way, it’s an interesting love story. I can see what Tyler Perry was trying to do with this, and I’ve got to say, it was a strategic move. And one that also prompts the question, “Would you consider dating someone who’s not on your level?”
I’ve personally never known or seen a woman who’s a lawyer partnered with a single mechanic with three kids – granted, if the mechanic looked like Idris Elba, I could understand the attraction. However, real-life isn’t a movie. The reality is that there are many successful women, especially in the Black community, who’ve remained single, partly due to the difficulties of finding romantic partners who are on their educational, professional, and income level. As a Black woman, now in my early thirties, I’ve faced similar challenges with dating. One of the most frustrating things for me has been meeting different guys, often Black men, who almost always seem embarrassed, ashamed, or insecure about telling me what they do for a living after learning how they measure up against my status of education, career opportunities, and overall lifestyle. What’s crazy is that I’m not even the type of woman who boasts about what I have, and I would never emasculate a guy by flexing about how much money I make. I once knew a young woman who popped off on her boyfriend during an argument, shouting, “I can’t help that I make more money than you!” Apparently, he had antagonized her. And while I get that she was pissed, she was out of line. No matter how angry you get with someone, it’s critical to watch what you say because even if and when you apologize for what you said, the damage that follows can be hard to recover from.
While I do well for myself, having a partner who complements different areas of my life and can do the heavy lifting when it comes to car repairs, home repairs, and even helping out with other day-to-day responsibilities would be nice. What woman wouldn’t want a guy in her life who can help? But what do you do when you meet someone who may be a good fit but struggles with how he feels about his status? I believe that men who feel overmatched will typically do one of two things: complain and remain insecure about being with a woman who’s on a higher level and eventually sabotage the relationship, or they’ll decide to work through their insecurities and step their game up to improve their situation. Again, it’s frustrating, and honestly, it’s been hurtful to experience at times. As a result, I’ve been encouraged by others in my life to consider dating outside of my race. And while I don’t discriminate, I prefer being with someone I can fully identify with and relate to, especially when it comes to race. For example, if I’m with someone Black, he’s likely to understand why I may wear a silk bonnet on my head before bed at night, genuinely get the cultural significance and humor stemming from an old episode of the ’90s series Martin, and fully understand why I prefer sweet potato pie over pumpkin pie during Thanksgiving.
But that’s another blog post for another time.
Here’s the thing. I’m not seeking perfection because I know I’m not perfect. If a guy has his stuff together and can be an adequate provider, partner, and protector, and there’s a mutual attraction and interest, I don’t see why a relationship can’t happen. The only other thing that I require is shared faith. As a Christian woman, I will not date or get in a relationship with a non-Christian guy who’s an unbeliever. Doing so would go against my beliefs and likely yield serious consequences, as I’d be unequally yoked. 2 Corinthians 6:14 reads, “Don’t be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can lightness have with darkness?” I’ve had some Christian friends and family members get romantically involved with non-Christians, and the catastrophic outcomes from some of those situations, as well as some of my own short-lived experiences, have taught me what not to do. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t think all non-Christian guys are horrible people. I’ve been out with some chill ones who seemed nice. It’s just that our beliefs conflicted on some non-negotiables I wasn’t comfortable compromising on because of my faith. I’m fully aware that there are also some questionable Christians out here to steer clear of too. So there are things to watch out for on both sides. I’ve just learned that it’s best to seek God out first before getting involved with anyone.
I’ve spoken with different Black women who genuinely desire relationships with Black men but are adamant about being with men who are on (and sometimes above) their level in almost every way. They also prefer ones who don’t have children from prior relationships. And I understand where they’re coming from. When this topic came up during a girls night out one evening, the young women I went out with (all Black, with college degrees, impressive incomes, and successful careers) began venting about their frustrations with exes and boyfriends they expressed weren’t on their level. One shared her feelings about her boyfriend resenting the fact that her income was higher than his and how that dynamic led to arguments. Another was annoyed with complaints from an ex about how he felt like he didn’t measure up to her in the career arena when they were dating.
While the storyline of a couple who aren’t on the same level might work in a Tyler Perry film, the same may prove to be complicated in some real-life situations. However, there are some exceptions. In Before You Do: Making Great Decisions That You Won’t Regret, T.D. Jakes writes, “You don’t have to marry a man who’s your equal in every way. The reality is that no one is totally anyone else’s true equal. Ladies, you must be willing to reconsider men that you may have dismissed because you saw them as beneath your level of success. It’s okay if you’re a doctor and he’s a plumber. Remind yourself that you are no better than him just because you have more degrees.”
Jakes also goes on to write, “Gentlemen, you must be willing to accept the fact that she may make more money than you. She may be more educated, sophisticated, and refined. But that doesn’t mean she’s trying to turn you into her male clone. You should not be ashamed or feel threatened by her strengths because they will only make your own strengths sharper and stronger.”
So what do you think? Would you ever consider dating or marrying someone who's not on your level? Why or why not?