Whenever I find myself moving through a challenging season, I prefer to be left alone. I often buckle down, throw myself completely into my work, pray (a lot), check in with my family and friends (so they know I’m alive), and then I proceed to keep grinding. And when I have quiet moments to myself, I sit, think, and reflect on where I’m at and try to process and understand everything that’s been happening in my life.
Last month, I served as a bridesmaid at a close friend’s wedding. It was a special and busy time leading up to my friend’s big day, and one that was filled with a lot of planning, laughter, memorable moments, manageable stress, beautiful people, and plenty of happy tears. It was a privilege to support and stand alongside my dear friend as she made her way down the wedding aisle to say, “I do.” And while the energy from the day was exciting, I found myself privately carrying another wave of emotions that would later proceed to disrupt things in a way I hadn’t fully anticipated.
As the wedding celebrations continued into the night, I received a video message from my mother about my aunt going into hospice. My aunt (my dad’s sister) had been battling cancer on and off for a few years, and things had suddenly grown progressively worse during the time I was at my friend’s wedding. I had no idea how bad things were until I received that message. My mom explained that my dad had called her and that she was on her way to the hospital. I’d seen my parents earlier that day, and apparently, my dad had known my aunt wasn’t doing well that weekend, but he didn’t want me to know because he knew I had a wedding I was in and didn’t want me to be upset. But as I listened to the message, I was upset. But I also didn’t want to abandon my duty as a friend and a bridesmaid. So, I shelved my feelings until I got home that evening.
Then I woke up the next morning and saw a text from my dad that read: Janet passed at 3:30 this morning. I’m at the hospital. Love ya’ll.
I felt awful.
I checked in on my dad, went to my parents’ house, checked in on my two cousins (my aunt’s sons), and then I was tasked with assisting with my aunt’s homegoing service. To be honest, I didn’t want to. I just wanted to be seated with the rest of the family and guests in attendance instead of being on the pulpit to do a reading. But because my family needed me, I assisted with the service anyway. And as I wrote the obituary and prepared to write a small piece honoring my late aunt’s life, I thought about how I’d literally just been in a wedding and would be attending a homegoing service shortly after.
Before the homegoing service, I’d been doing okay. I felt bad for my family, but because I’d been processing my grief by keeping myself busy with work, I didn’t cry much… at least not immediately. When it came time for me to do the reading at the service, I spoke into the microphone and started with a quote by Catherine Pulsifer that read, “Time is the one thing we all have in common, but it is also the one thing we all use differently.” Then before I could read the next line of my own words, I froze. I literally stopped speaking and started ugly crying in front of everyone. And while everyone listened, stared, and others started crying, my dad stood by my side, put his hand on my back, and his presence let me know, “You've got this.” I was able to finish the reading and took my seat.
And the rest of the service and the day went on. The service was beautiful and well done.
Instead of taking bereavement leave, I returned to work the very next day when I probably should have stayed home. Because when I returned to work and walked into what seemed like a disorganized and frustrating day of things not flowing how they should have, I wanted to cry more. I don’t think I fully allowed myself to have the space and time I needed to just be still and process everything that happened.
And as I made myself pause, I realized that between the events that unfolded last month, along with juggling the day-to-day of taking care of myself, my relationships, being present at work, and more, that this has been one of the happiest-saddest-frustrating seasons of my life. There have been sprinkles of joy, however, at the same time, I’ve never been surrounded by so much loss, grief, bad news, stress, selfish and mean-spirited people, and more. I’m doing okay, though. Really.
A few weeks back, I had a dream about the arrival of something good coming my way. I’m not entirely sure what’s coming, but I’m eager to see what God’s got lined up next.
The timing of the dream is interesting considering what the past month has been like, but I’m staying grounded in God, in His word, and doing my best to remain steadfast through this time. He is still so good even when things happen that we don’t like or understand, and I’m choosing to trust Him as He sees me through.