When I was in my twenties, I'd practically have a meltdown anytime I felt my position at work was being threatened.
Whether it was by way of budget cuts, a bad performance review from an unhinged manager, or a toxic work environment, thoughts of being written up and reprimanded, humiliated, and unemployed terrified me. My fears were often rooted in no longer having an income and losing everything that mattered to me – and sometimes my mind would go as far as wondering, what if I get fired?
So whenever I made a mistake, or a manager expressed I wasn’t doing a good job, or that I was no longer a good fit, or would go as far as sending emails and write ups about me to higher ups, I’d panic, go home and cry, and try to figure out ways to change everyone’s minds about their perceptions of me and my work performance. Sounds exhausting, right? Trying to be a people pleaser is utterly draining and so not worth the energy. Trust me. And whenever my attempts failed (which they often did), I’d eventually move on, do my job, and hope and pray I wouldn’t get let go. When I found myself in one of the most hellish workplace situations I’ve ever endured in a past role, I cried out to God and requested the following:
God, let me walk away from this place on my own terms and into whatever doors you decide to open. If you decide not to change this situation, change me. You’re still so good. Even when I get what I want and when I don’t.
After that prayer, I interviewed for a teaching position, got hired, enrolled in graduate school, and have actively been teaching for almost two years.
Though the teaching profession has its challenges, overall, I believe God opened an incredible door. I enjoy the work I get to do and I’m forever grateful for the opportunity to invest in young minds and help my students get to where they need to be. However, there have recently been some situations that have reminded me that while God can open some exciting and refreshing doors and opportunities, inevitable changes and uncertainties will certainly show up, and He is the one constant I can count on.
So here goes. In the past month:
· I was called to attend a meeting (that was later cancelled) to be informed that due to budgeting, I’d need to interview for a new position at another school.
· I learned that emails (I wasn’t included in) were sent about me, regarding concerns about my teaching methods and instructional delivery.
· I was told by another colleague that I get addressed about things because I speak up and stand up for myself whenever there’s an issue that needs to be addressed (instead of complaining and gossiping about others behind closed doors).
· And I was called out in a meeting about teaching a full 171-page text during a past reading unit. While I did receive some praise for using a culturally relevant and school-approved text (The Skin I’m In by Sharon G. Flake) I also received backlash for using a whole text instead of going along with other teachers in my department who chose to assign a two-to-three-page excerpt of a small portion of a past text students already read when they were in the sixth grade. I teach advanced eight grade students, so I believe using a text vs. an excerpt was a more suitable option. Especially since we were instructed to teach reading skills along with a text. And while some of my students chose not to keep up with the readings, other students did, who shared that they enjoyed the book. One of my student’s parents even read it and shared that she enjoyed it too.
Our department was divided on this decision after me, and a few other teachers were left out of the planning process and chose to use a different text and instructional materials. I was reprimanded – and I later learned another teacher sent an email regarding concerns about the cultural content in the text. The Skin I’m In by Sharon G. Flake is a brilliant and well-written text that many of my students were able to benefit from. Many of them shared how they found the text relatable, which helped the unit flow well.
Here's where things get more interesting though.
Another teacher who used the exact same materials I used was not reprimanded. When this same teacher shared, “I don’t understand why you got in trouble when we both used the same stuff.” Another colleague present (who happened to be Black) said, “Well, Ms. Heard is Black and you’re white. So your use of the text looks like you’re being culturally aware while Ms. Heard could be perceived as agenda pushing since she’s Black.”
An awkward silence followed.
I’m the only Black English teacher currently working at the school. Which is interesting considering the student population is predominantly Black. When I taught at another school last year, I noticed there was only one other Black English teacher in the English department too, which was eye-opening. That’s another blog post for another time though.
As I processed all that had happened, I was surprisingly calm. Aggravated and irritated. But calm. The old me would have been in tears and scared. The old me would have worked overtime trying to change everyone else’s minds. And the old me would have panicked and wondered, what if I get fired?
But as I reflected, the following came to mind:
Everything’s going to be okay. And if teaching doesn’t work out, there are other jobs. I’m not above bagging groceries.
I don’t write that to be obnoxious or discouraging, but more so as a reminder to myself and others who worry, to breathe and not allow the what ifs to occupy your mind. Romans 8:28 reads, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.” I believe that God called me to teach, that He knows what He’s doing, and that I can trust Him. Because what I won’t do is waste time worrying or choose to live in a perpetual state of what if?
I also won’t teach in fear. I refuse to. Challenges and obstacles will come, but I’ll move through them.
I’ve spoken with other teachers and colleagues who’ve expressed fears about using culturally relevant content in their work, have opened up to me about their concerns over critical race theory while teaching in a predominantly Black school, and have stressed themselves out about assessment data, SOL scores, the pressures of being a teacher in this climate, and more.
And I get it.
But I also know that worrying, teaching in fear, and living in fear won’t serve me or my students. God is the one in control – and I can trust Him completely.