Last Year’s Tears

2020 was a challenging year. Personally, I believe it was a tough one for many as we all found ourselves adjusting to a new normal while living and moving through a global pandemic. As this current year approaches its end, I couldn’t help but think about how last year impacted this year and how much things have changed, and in some ways, have remained the same. This year, I’ve experienced some significant life changes (a career switch, enrolling in grad school, purchasing my first home, and adopting a fur baby), but I’m very much aware that the pandemic has not disappeared. It’s still here, and it’s continued to have a major impact on everyone. Even with the support of vaccinations and mask requirements to help improve things, the world still seems a bit unsettled. 

Throughout 2020, I, too, was unsettled as things changed. At the beginning of last year, I was heavily discontented and struggling with my faith. I was working in a field I felt drained and miserable in. I was unhappy with myself (although my social media pictures likely portrayed a different narrative). And as I turned 30, I wrestled with a lot of disappointment about how I imagined life would be for me by the time age 30 arrived. And there were a lot of tears. I mean, a lot. There were times last year when I can remember waking up in tears, spending my afternoons in tears, and spending my evenings in tears. I dreaded working from home (in my previous career). I missed being able to catch up with my close friends. I missed getting dressed up to go out (and being able to do so without wearing a mask). I missed attending church in-person (instead of virtually). I missed having things to look forward to. I missed seeing my smile. And I missed being genuinely happy. 

 

Moving through last year felt like hell some days, but I got through it. And when I think about all the tears that were cried during that time, the awful things that unfolded, and the different things that broke my heart and crushed my spirit, I can now see how last year’s tears helped prepare and groom me for 2021. At the end of August 2020 through the beginning of September 2020, I started experiencing some major breakthroughs and changes that I know God orchestrated. New doors started opening, my faith increased, I began taking risks I never took before, and things started to get better. Even when I was sad and had lost a lot of hope, God showed me that He heard me and that He saw me. My tears mattered to Him, and He cared about how I felt. There have still been some tearful moments, some painful ones and some happy ones too, but through it all, I can’t help but reflect on Romans 8:28, which reads, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

 

If you're reading this right now and have had a lot of sad or tearful moments lately, especially sorrowful ones, be encouraged. God has not forgotten you. He's going to show up for you, and He is still in control. It's okay to cry, and it's okay to feel down sometimes, but don't stay there. I'm praying for you, and I hope that as this year ends, all things work together for you too.