Not putting myself first sooner. Although I just turned 30 last year, one regret I’ve struggled with at times is not putting myself first sooner. During my early to mid-twenties, I was big on being a people pleaser, even if it meant putting everyone else’s needs and wants above my own. I was also timid, struggled with saying no, and had issues speaking up and being direct about my boundaries. Whenever I tried putting myself first, I listened and caved into guilt messages and rants from different people in my life who gave me attitude and called me selfish if I didn’t willingly give them access to me, my time, or resources. If I’d put myself first sooner, I would have eliminated a ton of unnecessary stress back then.
Praying and waiting for a husband. My biggest regret with this one is the wasted time I can never get back. I was raised Christian and was one of those girls and teenagers who grew up in church, did everything I was supposed to, and stayed out of trouble when it came to guys and dating. I was also very naïve in believing that doing things the Christian way meant I’d have a ring and a husband by now. I dated, waited, and prayed. I made sacrifices most people would never imagine giving up. I cried out to God, worked on myself, read a ton of BS books marketed to single women on the things you’re supposed to do before you say, I do, and I got short-changed. So during my late-twenties, I went through a huge unlearning process about things I learned in church, re-educated myself, and decided to have fun and live my life. At first, I was disappointed, confused, and angry with God about how things turned out, and while it’s possible things could change, I’m not putting my life on hold for anyone.
Attending a Christian university. I’m abundantly grateful for the college degree I worked hard to obtain, but if I could do things over, I would have elected to attend two years of community college first and then transfer to an HBCU. Community college would have cut costs with tuition and eliminated student loan debt. I also believe going the HBCU route would have been more beneficial for me socially and academically, as I would have been surrounded by peers and professors with whom I could fully identify with. I also would have been more prepared and knowledgeable about how to deal with all the hate, hypocrisy, and racism that often greeted me in ways I would have never imagined while attending a Christian school. I choose a Christian university because of my faith and because I thought it’d be a safe and solid choice, but there were a lot of things that went down during my time in undergrad that didn’t sit well with me.
Apologizing when I wasn’t wrong. I have no problem saying sorry and giving an apology when an apology is due, but when I think about times when I apologized just to keep the peace, even when it made me sick inside, I regret it. Because I almost always felt like my feelings were disregarded and I was the one taking the high road again and again. And taking the high road over and over and over again, especially when you’re not the one in the wrong, is exhausting and unfair. I can think back to a handful of moments when I could have just been more upfront and agreed to disagree, refused to issue an apology, and let the chips fall, but instead, I chose to be nice. Sometimes when you do stuff like that, you can easily become a people pleasing doormat and by the time you realize a change needs to happen, it’s already too late.
Friendships that ended on bad terms. Another regret I've had is friendships that ended on bad terms. It's never been my intention to be mean or hurtful when parting ways with someone, but sometimes things don't end well. Some of my friendships that ended on bad terms weren't the best or healthiest anyway, and while some of my former friends played a role in how things turned out, I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I too played a role in how some of those relationships ended. Whether it was my failure to communicate better, a disagreement or misunderstanding that went too far, a lack of boundaries, or anything else that may have contributed to the demise of a former friendship, I can see where I was wrong and could have handled things differently. Maybe better. All friendships don't last forever, and you're likely to have many that will only be seasonal, but regardless, if you sense or know things are ending, my advice is to be an adult about things and remain cordial when parting ways. I've learned so much from every person I've been fortunate to call a friend, and I wish every former friend I've had the best.