I Don’t Want A Blended Family

I could feel his disappointment through the phone when I told him the truth.

“I don’t date guys with kids.”

I’d been talking to a guy who had a daughter, and I wanted to be honest and upfront with him since he expressed interest in me. As I got to know him, I knew he wasn’t someone seeking a casual relationship. He wanted a wife, more kids, and a family. And while there’s nothing wrong with wanting those things, I knew I didn’t want them with him. I also didn’t want to string him along or hold him up from a woman better suited for him, and while I tried to be honest, open, and go with the flow, I couldn’t. I knew I’d be unhappy because he wasn’t what I wanted, waited for, prayed for, or envisioned for myself. Not only was I disinterested, but I also knew that deep down, I didn’t want a blended family. I never have. So eventually, we stopped talking altogether and parted ways.

I don’t have kids and I’m not sure if I will, but one thing I’ve always known is that if I did marry, I didn’t want to be with someone who had a child/children from a previous relationship. I’ve always wanted to be with someone who was child-free so that we both would have the time and space to enjoy and build our lives together alone, and then start a family without having to navigate being stepparents, co-parenting with exes, and more. Some women don’t mind dating or marrying a guy with kids, but I’ve always known the route I wanted to take. I’ve received a ton of warnings that I might miss out, end up alone, or that it’s rare to meet guys who don’t have kids, but just because other people have those mindsets, doesn’t mean I have to or that I have to settle. Unfortunately, with my generation, I have noticed that a lot of young men, especially in the Black community, are single fathers, but that’s not the case for all Black men or men from other races.

I’ve shared how I felt with some of my close girlfriends, and they’ve listened to me and respect my choice. I’ve also had this same conversation with some of my guy friends and some family members who are single and don’t have kids, who too, have expressed that they are not interested in getting involved with anyone who has kids either. Sometimes I think people who are single parents get offended and disappointed about this, and while I don’t look down on anyone who is a single parent and respect and understand that everyone’s situation is different, I know that ultimately, we all have different desires and visions for our lives and for what we want our families to look like. And it’s important to be honest with others and especially yourself about what you want and don’t want for yourself.

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Making Waves