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Open Door Season

I’ll never forget the day I was threatened to be fired from my job. 

It was about fifteen minutes towards the end of my workday. I was asked to meet two higher-ups in a fluorescent-lit room. They sat me down after another colleague who was also in a leadership role, expressed concerns about me and my work performance. At the time, I was caught off guard. I thought I was doing everything I was supposed to be doing and more. I’m not an insubordinate worker or a troublemaker, but you don’t have to be either of those things for conflict and opposition to come your way. I felt defenseless because I knew the colleague who reported me was behind what was happening. He had a negative perception of who he thought I was and expressed that I wasn’t a good fit for my position. He tried to tear down my character. He went through all my work looking for errors and mistakes and was abrasive, condescending, and sometimes refused to help me and others whenever some of us asked for assistance with things we didn’t understand. And things got worse once I started standing up for myself. Because he’d been on the job longer than I was, I was essentially in a losing situation when I tried to defend myself. I later learned he’d done this to others and because he was close with the powers at be, it was his word against mine. I had another male colleague come at me in a similar way last year, and although things were hard and stressful, I moved through them as best as I could. I think it's interesting that there are people who believe we live and work in a post-racial and post-sexist world, but we don’t. My experiences have been a constant reminder of this. 

Last year when I was having lunch with one of my mentors who knew what happened, she too was moving through similar workplace challenges. I told her I thought about sharing my story but at the time, decided against it. I was afraid to. And also embarrassed and discouraged because of how things were handled. Plus, my emotions were raw. I knew if I approached this story from a place of anger or hurt, it wouldn’t help anyone. My mentor looked at me and her eyes got watery. Then she said, “If you don’t do it, who will?” 

So I’m here. And if you’re reading this, I hope that sharing my story will let you know that it’s okay to be afraid when you’re sharing your truth. If you don’t do it, who will? It takes courage to come forward. Feeling defenseless is a scary thing. Being threatened to get fired is a scary thing. Being unemployed and not having an income is scary. Not knowing what comes after that is scary too. Especially if, like me, you value stability and being able to take care of yourself. Navigating the culture of my workplace has been a constant learning process. If and when you don’t fit certain cultures and you’re not assimilating, you can easily be perceived as a problem or a threat. I’ve observed what to do and what not to do. How to exercise self-control, and how to maintain personal and professional boundaries. I’ve also learned to keep people on a need-to-know basis – which was something that one of my seasoned colleagues warned me about when I was newly hired. 

I’ve had great days when work was fun and I worked alongside some chill colleagues, and we were killin’ the game. I’d even heard a manager mention to other higher-ups that I was a beast with handling my work. I’ve also had challenging and downright hellish days too. I’ve watched hardworking co-workers I became friends with get let go for standing up for themselves or quit because of the pressure and stress we were all moving through. I watched promotions go to other co-workers in favor of those I knew had been repeatedly overlooked. I’ve been talked down to, insulted, and humiliated. I’ve made mistakes. I’ve been discriminated against, disrespected, reprimanded, and criticized about the kind of clothes I’ve worn. I’ve been micromanaged. I’ve been singled out. I’ve been talked about. I’ve had days where it felt like no matter how hard I worked it just wasn’t enough. And I’ve remained mindful about choosing my battles, managing my expectations and emotions, and knowing when to speak up and when to remain silent. I even checked in with a professional counselor to make sure I wasn’t trippin’ about everything. She assured me that I wasn’t. To my surprise, I learned she was a former employee and able to completely understand where I was coming from. Her experiences were very similar. She agreed that my perception, feelings, and concerns were valid. And she said resiliency would get me through.

I’ve also been a source of encouragement and positivity for different colleagues who’ve been discouraged and had moments when they felt like giving up too. I’m not a quitter, but these weights have been heavy. 

Romans 8:28 reads, “And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them.” 

Although we're in a season of uncertainty with the current pandemic taking place, I still believe God can open new doors. I don't always like what He allows, but I've been doing my best to lean on Him for guidance, strength, and continued tenacity towards my goals and dreams. I hope that you'll be intentional about seeking Him in this season too and praying about what's next for you. Be kind even when others are not. Remain faithful even when things are unfair. Don't be petty, vengeful, or hateful or allow your circumstances to make you bitter. Go to God. He'll give you instructions about what to do. 

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