It’s been my experience that many religious communities have naïve practices when it comes to educating young women about the topic of sex and embracing and owning their sexuality. Some teach women to be afraid of it. To rebuke it. And to ignore what is a very natural part of being a woman. I was raised Christian and struggled with some shame-based teachings regarding this subject. As a grown woman, I’ve realized that while my teachers may have meant well, I no longer have to share all of their beliefs or views. I remember hearing handfuls of purity messages and receiving purity swag at breakout sessions during youth conferences. Us teenage girls were told, “Having crushes can cause lust and invite lustful spirits.” “Sex is bad.” “You could get pregnant or catch a disease.” “Stay pure.” “Wait until you’re married.” And on and on it went. The parents at the church I grew up in were also encouraged by leadership to opt us out of the Family Life Education programs taught in our middle schools and high schools, which taught the basics of establishing healthy relationships, reproduction, the male and female body, proactive safe sex practices, how to avoid STDs and pregnancy, and more. Not being properly informed about those things is a disservice to young women, especially Christian ones.
I also noticed how the rules in the church were different for young men (and not much has changed.) Double standards are something else. To this day, when it comes to different groups in these environments, sadly, the purity movements, virgin praising, and slut-shaming sermons continue. And that’s scary. Because now there are many women, particularly groups of twenty to thirty-somethings, who were raised in church, who are struggling with guilt and shame from those messages. Some have come to me in private and shared their concerns and regrets and frustrations. They’ve opened up about not being married and are angry about waiting on a guy that may never come. Some of them have decided not to save sex for marriage anymore and have thanked me for not judging them. Why would I? It’s not my place to judge anyone. Plus, I think their feelings are valid. Sometimes waiting is not always a feasible option. I love God, but I don’t believe He’s always fair when it comes to these things. Especially when deciding who gets to get married and who doesn’t. Ultimately, no matter what choice a woman makes, it’s not my place to be judgmental. There are already far too many horrible and deranged Christians out here slamming other people’s choices and trying to tell them how to live. And I don’t want anything to do with that.
This is a shame-free space.
Read that again.
Acknowledge the shame (and let it go). I know this will look different for everyone, but at the end of the day, it’s none of my business or anyone else’s what you decide to do or not do. That’s between you and God. You may feel a ton of shame but acknowledge it, then let it go. God created you and your body and your sexuality. It’s okay to reconsider new ways of thinking, or here’s a thought, be completely open with Him about everything you’re thinking about or considering regarding you, your body, and your choices.
Talk to women you can trust. If you’re a woman, you need women in your life you can talk to about this. Specifically, seasoned and trustworthy ones you can be honest and open with. Remember how Carrie from Sex and the City had Samantha, Miranda, and Charlotte? And how Joan from Girlfriends had Maya, Toni, and Lynn? Though these groups of women are fictional characters from television shows, they were great representations of trusted friendships amongst different groups of women. When connecting with your own group remember that these women must be chosen carefully. What do you have questions about? Ask your inner circle. I have selective lady friends I can talk freely with. We can respectfully share and communicate with one another, woman to woman, without spilling each other’s business.
Love yourself. Go stand in front of a mirror and take a really good look at yourself. Then compliment yourself out loud (if you’re comfortable doing so) and appreciate what you’ve got. You are a beautiful, wonderful, and amazing human being with an incredible body – even if you don’t know it yet. You are. So be comfortable with yourself. Embracing your sexuality isn’t bad and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. I want you to intentionally like and love yourself. Because if you don’t like and love yourself or your body, why would anyone else? Think about that. At the heart of my Bachelorette Guide To… posts, I encourage women to live their best lives and feel good about themselves. As a woman, you should feel good about yourself. Get to know who you are, who you’re becoming, and who you want to be. And make sure you love you forever.