“Marry someone black.”
I was stunned… but not at all offended.
We were having dinner and I could tell by the look on her face, she was serious.
After all, those three unforgettable words came out of the mouth of a seasoned black woman I considered beautiful, smart, massively successful, and incredibly woke. When we first met, I found her informative and inspiring, so I asked her if we could meet up sometime so I could pick her brain about race, racism, and navigating the world as a black woman.
She told me about the importance of being a minority and advocating for yourself, keeping the “receipts”, the necessity of having black friends and a strong inner circle, and suddenly, we ended up on the topic of finding love. And then she said it…
“Marry someone black.”
Little did she know that those three words were unbelievably timely, and in a way, confirmation of something that had already been on my mind. For several months. I’m enjoying being a bachelorette, but for some time now, I’ve also thought that should the opportunity present itself to get in a relationship or settle down with someone God confirms would be a great fit, I’ve thought, Lord, let him be black. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t discriminate. I’ve been approached and interested in all kinds of guys and, I don’t have a type, but with the current state of the world, with time, and with some pleasant and unpleasant experiences and encounters outside of my race, I see the importance and privilege of being a black woman who chooses to be with a black man.
When I think about how I’ve been mistreated, overlooked, disrespected, and discriminated against by other races, in different places and spaces from college, to the workplace, to different neighborhoods, in job interviews, and in plenty of other areas, I believe a black male could heavily empathize with what enduring those things feels like on almost every level and be someone I know I can lean on when things get rough. He’d know what to do. What to say. And how to respond. I believe there are non-black men capable of these things as well, it’s just that their level of understanding and empathy would likely be limited.
I was encouraged to put myself in environments and spaces to meet the kind of guys who I’d have more things in common with. At the start of this year, a counselor I met with also encouraged me to consider relocating to meet more black men…mind you, she was white and very much aware of the limited successful black women paired with successful black men ratio in the area. I wondered, there are so many beautiful, brilliant, and incredibly successful black women who want to be with black men, what’s the problem?
Then my dinner guest and I went through some statistics surrounding black women. Particularly ones defined as “successful.” We also talked about how there are many successful black male CEO’s, executives, accountants, professional athletes, big ballers and shot callers, who don’t always value, appreciate, choose, date, or marry black women. It’s a challenging thing to digest sometimes.
One might say, “Well, why don’t more black women start exploring the world of dating and marrying non-black men?”
Some black women do. Some don’t. And others are just disinterested.
As our time together came to a close and I thought about those three unforgettable words she shared, they stuck with me. Deep down, I knew she was dropping something I needed to know.
And I heard her loud and clear.
By the way, I chose the photo of Gabrielle Union and Dwyane Wade because I think those two are adorable together. Plus, I’m a huge Gabrielle Union fan and through the years, in interviews, articles, and even in her book, We’re Going to Need More Wine, she highlights this particular subject matter.