Well, when I was dating, every guy had a child/children. I was older and established in my career. I liked the guys I dated, got to know them. I only met the guy’s kids who I wound up marrying. All that to say, you might miss out. I used to say the same thing, “Date no one with kids.” The downside though, the drama that may come with it. You do what works for you…
I had just finished reading the text from one of my mentors. I wanted her insight and advice about dating guys with kids. I’d recently decided to be more open and put myself “out there” in the dating world and I noticed that most of the guys I frequently ran into or were meeting were single dads.
I don’t have kids, and I usually don’t date or entertain the idea of dating guys who do.
I’ve had some valid reservations for not wanting to, after having some awkward and uncomfortable moments even while just being in the talking stage with guys who were single dads. I’ve found that most of the ones I’ve encountered have been charming, cool, kind, had good intentions (at first), take care of their kids, and have cordial relationships with the mother of their child/children, however, there’s also been the issue of time, conflicting and demanding schedules, canceling plans at the last minute, and conversations about what a future together might look like as far as settling down and having more kids.
I’ve also noticed a lot of hostile and mostly negative social media rants and posts on a regular basis in my newsfeed from some single moms who aren’t the biggest fans of their child/children’s fathers dating, marrying, or moving forward with another woman.
A number of my mentors are all married to men who had a child/children from previous relationships. These women married later in life, and are all incredibly successful, established, and well-educated and seemed happy and confident with their decisions to choose partners with blended families. I was always certain that I didn’t want my family unit to be like that, though. If I made the choice to become a parent, I always wanted it to be with a guy I’d be married to who didn’t have kids. We’d start a family when we both were on the same page about it and ready. I grew up in a two-parent home and my brother and I share the same parents. When my parents got married, neither one of them had children from previous relationships and they both indicated they didn’t want partners who did. They grew up during a time when people already having kids prior to marriage wasn’t nearly as common as it is now.
Different guys I’ve met or talked to who had a child/children were vocal and upfront about settling down (if they hadn’t married yet) or wanting to do it again (if they were separated or divorced) and almost all of them wanted more kids. For a woman who already has a child/children, these scenarios may seem ideal but for some women who don’t, things can get complicated. I have girlfriends who don’t have kids who have no interest in dating guys with kids. And I have girlfriends who don’t have kids who don’t mind dating guys who have them.
As one of my mentors mentioned above, ultimately, you should do what works for you.
I’ve been encouraged by different family and friends to avoid guys with kids, along with the following warnings:
“Don’t do it.”
“Just know, you’ll always come second in a situation where a child/children are involved. The child/children will always come first.”
“His baby mama is going to bring problems and drama.”
“Their child/children may not like you.”
Other family and friends have had opposite thoughts, like:
“Well, it’s really hard to meet guys who don’t have kids these days.”
“There are a lot of good guys who take care of their kids.”
“Kids like you, though. So you’d be fine.”
“If you marry someone who already has a kid/kids, at least your future kids will have older siblings to look out for them too.”
I don’t discriminate and won’t completely dismiss the idea of dating a single dad, but ideally, I’d prefer a partner with no kids. I know my boundaries and my patience and the capacity of what I can/can’t handle. Not feeling like a priority in someone else’s family structure, being second all the time, and being measured and judged on whether I’d be qualified enough to date someone based on what their child/children think of me or what their child’s mother thinks is a lot to take on. If you’re a bachelorette who decides to date a single dad, do you. If not, that’s fine too. Just be sure you’re making a choice you’re okay with and not based on what everyone else thinks you should or shouldn’t do.