Some churches and religious organizations have interesting views when it comes to sex and engaging with the opposite sex. As a young believer, some of the messages I was taught and told growing up were:
Sex is bad. Don’t do it.
Protect your purity. It’s a gift.
Save sex for marriage.
If you share your “gift” with someone else, it won’t mean as much to your spouse when you get married.
Holding hands, hugging, or kissing your significant other can lead to sexual temptation.
Holding hands, hugging, or kissing someone of the opposite sex who isn’t your significant other can lead to sexual temptation.
Chick flicks are a form of female pornography.
Christian dating should be done in groups to avoid sexual temptation.
Guys and girls can’t be just friends.
Flirting is sinful.
Living with a partner before marriage is sinful.
Don’t date.
Date for marriage.
Don’t wear scantily clad clothing. It causes sexual temptation and lust.
Your purity ring is to be worn on your wedding ring finger until the day you meet your husband.
Anyone else find some of this troubling?
I’ve been a Christian since I was seven, and from that point onward those messages, along with being opted out of Family Life Education classes (curriculum that teaches about different family structures and sex education) due to religious reasons, I was very much unwoke to the ways of the world… until some of my friends and mentors enlightened me. When I got old enough to think for myself and make my own choices, I had a lot of shame, guilt, confusion, and understanding to unpack when it came to things like purity, abstinence, celibacy, and sexuality. I also learned a number of my Christian friends were privately struggling with similar things as well. What was interesting was that a number of young women I knew felt weighed with guilt, while a lot of the guys were doing just about anything they wanted without visible guilt or shame. The “rules” seemed different for Christian women. It’s amazing how double standards are also in churches too, right? Young women shouldn’t have sex and protect their purity and guys get a pass? If the woman doesn’t, she’s somehow disposable, unworthy, or made to feel less? No way. It’s hypocrisy, and what’s even more startling are the women who’ve waited or who are waiting who judge the women who haven’t or who aren’t waiting for sex. I’ve learned not to hastily judge people. I’ll admit, in my prime as a young believer on fire for Christ, I was an obnoxious and again, unwoke follower, who silently and sometimes openly judged certain women who were getting it in. Because of what I was taught, along with the promise of a spouse if I did what I was told, I assumed that girls who didn’t comply would be punished and have a bunch of problems and not get married. Except that as I got older, I began noticing how almost all those girls were settling down or in long-term relationships with guys they loved who loved them too. They were happy. Other girls I knew who were still on the purity train either eventually got married, remained single, or were struggling to maintain their purity. And each set of women had a lot of issues and anxiety surrounding purity and sex. Because for so long, similar messages like what I grew up hearing was taught to them too. Sex was created by God and shouldn’t be a shamed-based tool to measure a woman’s purity or lack thereof. I’m not insisting anyone go buck wild, as I don’t believe that’s the answer or the healthiest or safest way to live one’s life, but to help women, in particular, be free from shame. Remember how I mentioned I wasn’t allowed to take Family Life Education growing up? Towards the end of last year, I found out that there’s actually federal funding going towards abstinence-only education programs, which is troubling. If you’re promoting abstinence without knowledge of safe sex and other forms of contraception, lives and broken hearts are at risk. Whether Christian or not, if people don’t know how to keep themselves safe should they decide to have sex, or know their options, or feel safe to discuss different views or to challenge what they’ve been taught, are they really being protected? Ignorance is not bliss. I was fortunate to have different people in my life educate me about things I knew nothing about when I was coming up. Because I was opted out of Family Life Education, I was unaware of the basics that most young people know before preparing to go out into the world. I never got “the talk” so having knowledgeable, experienced, and seasoned people offer advice and information was a blessing. I want to believe different Christians and religious groups have good intentions, but I also believe it’s important to be real about where people are at. You’re not in a position to judge someone or make them feel like less, even if you disagree with their choices. Everything in life is not so black and white. I’ve grown to learn that there’s a lot of gray areas, many of which, I’ve been challenged to reconsider. I’m still learning and finding my way, and in the meantime, trying to help others too.
Additional resources…
Pure by Linda Kay Klein is incredibly insightful and dives deeper into how purity culture has impacted young women, believers, and different religious communities. And Cosmopolitan has an article out discussing the impact purity culture has had on different young women. It can be found here.