Some women would make beautiful brides but horrible wives. I’ve known more women who’ve been excited to dress the part and decorate the scenery, than to closely examine and inform themselves of the realities of what it means to be a wife. There’s a huge difference between a bride and a wife. And being a wife seems like hard work. I’ve talked to different men and women who felt like they got duped after they said I do. We’re not all called to be someone’s spouse. This is an area many Christian leaders and Christians fail to acknowledge and accept. Some are called. Some are not. It may not be fair but it’s life. While Genesis 2:18 reads that, The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him,” it does not say that God wants all men and women to be married. It’s dangerous when churches and leaders preach and encourage that marriage is for everyone, especially to young women at an early age. It sets the stage for a lot of confusion, broken hearts, and massive disappointment if and when it doesn’t happen. I do believe God has ordained marriage for those qualified for the role, however, exploring if you’re someone who needs to make that move is an important question to consider. And more importantly getting to the bottom of why you want to settle down.
Be honest with yourself. Brutally honest. Go to a quiet place, grab a pen and paper, and really think about this. Are you hypnotized by the aesthetics of a wedding or other people’s social media posts or pressure from family, friends, and society, or do you want a spouse because God placed that desire in your heart and you believe you’re called to it? If you believe that’s God’s will for you, keep the faith. If not, put your prayers, time, and energy into whatever else He’s pulling you towards. When I was about 13 years old my parents bought me a promise ring. I stopped wearing it around the middle of this year. Sporting it felt like a sick joke. A painfully sick joke. Just recently, I donated it to charity. Someone else in this world may find it more useful than I have. I too was one of those young, dumb, and naïve young Christian women who played by the rules and kept things holy in hopes of the arrival of a “husband.” I got excited. Prayed. Went on some dates. Declined dates. Then went on some more dates to win the approval of some well-meaning people in my life who insisted being single was a problem and that I needed to do something about it, even if it meant putting myself “out there” with guys I didn’t like or was attracted to. At one frustrating point, I actually visited different churches to see what kind of guys were available. I read a ton of those ridiculous self-help books on Christian singleness and preparing for marriage. And nothing happened. I’m 28 now, and this was the year I eventually woke up and it became abundantly clear… it’s not going to happen for me. How’s that for brutal honesty?
I gave up somewhere between the weariness of always being the good girl and doing things the right way, frustration, disappointment, and continually watching a bunch of other people get engaged and married. Even some sketchy and ratchet characters, which was a rough blow to process at first. Honestly? If I could go back in time and turn up during all those years I stayed good and faithful to the #waitingformyhusband and #teampromisering movement, I would. At least I would’ve had some fun. I can’t get my wasted years or time back, so it is what it is. I’m still exploring, enjoying, and experimenting with the bachelorette life, and having a good time doing my own thing. Relationships are work and they’re very expensive. I believe they’re more expensive than the cost of a wedding or all the events leading up to one because you may be able to get a venue deposit back, but once your time and energy are spent, they’re gone and can’t be replenished. I’m selective and protective of who gets my time. And as far as settling down goes, I believe it’s okay if you’re not ready for that life or even want it. God has different plans in mind for us all and accepting that your path may be different from those around you is okay. It just means your story will be different. That level of uncertainty and frustration can be, well, frustrating for some people. But I get it. I can live without the approval of my parents, friends, peers, colleagues, acquaintances, and mentors. I can tune their voices out and forge ahead. I released what I used to want and focused on creating a different path instead. My journey won’t be like other Christian women who settle down, it’ll just be different. My focus now is me, myself, and I. And I’m 100% dedicated and committed to myself and making my bachelorette life as rich, fun, full, and exciting as possible. Being good and playing by the “rules” doesn’t guarantee you a spouse or a happy ending, but if and when things don’t turn out as you hoped you always have a choice to create a new ending. You can decide what you want the rest of your life to look like. Even if it doesn’t involve a white dress or a ring. If you’re a bachelorette you can buy a cute, sexy dress (in any color you want) that you look good and feel good in, and you can purchase a ring of your own if you want to. For rings, I highly recommend something nice from Tiffany & Co. if you have the means. I got a little something from there last year, and I love it.