I grew up in a strict church environment. While I loved the Lord, going to church, and fellowship with my family and fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, I saw a lot of disturbing things happen in the church at a young age that troubled me as an adult. I practically knew my bible cover to cover and my upbringing kept me out of trouble, but it also made me resentful of different church behaviors and practices I found manipulative and controlling. I accepted Christ in my heart at about age seven, and my parents were heavily involved in ministry from the time I was born, so I was immersed in the church culture and well versed on different “rules” in place for ideal Christian living.
And while I was very careful to avoid things that I knew or was told could send me to hell, I just knew something seemed off about the delivery of different things I was taught. I had a lot of questions, but I rarely spoke up. I was scared. I saw what happened to people who dared to challenge leadership or question some of the unsettling practices in place. Some people who were bold and brave enough to take a stand or leave the church community were humiliated and ostracized. This happened to my family when my parents took a stand. My parents were (and still are) the kind of leaders who led with love, service, and for the greater good of the people. They were never intoxicated by power or leadership positions. They showed me that if you want to be a great leader, you have to know when it's time to move on, and more importantly, you must have a servant’s heart.
Those are some of the true signs of a great leader. Someone who may own their position as a leader but is also humble enough to connect with and serve other people from all walks of life. If you can build something that serves other people and especially something that helps them?
You’re winning.
For years, I secretly struggled with guilt about things that I shouldn’t have been stressed about in the first place. More specifically, I carried a lot of shame about normal things, like liking guys, dating, questions about my body, sex, culture, and connecting with people outside the church community while maintaining my walk as a believer. In case you haven’t noticed, “the church” has a lot of dated ideas and approaches surrounding different practices, education, politics, diversity, and inclusion. And while there have been some improvements, there’s still more work to do. There are different leaders using their positions to control the thinking and behavior of many believers according to how they believe people should be living, not God. I’m terrific at spotting that kind of behavior on sight, and I can always notice the true spirit behind flashy smiles, decoration, and fraudulent preaching.
Which is why anytime I sense or see the kind of behavior in churches or any church-based groups, I’m out.
God created us all in unique and different ways and to stifle or manipulate or aim to control someone’s way of thinking, feels suffocating. Sure, we can listen to different leaders and churches who share different views and opinions from our own, but the moment legalism and rules and regulations about how you should run your home, spend or save your money, or raise your kids, or express yourself are being scrutinized to the point where someone else dictates your life, a boundary has clearly been crossed. We’re not meant to be bound and oppressed by legalistic rules and practices.
Christ died so we could be free. And while I don’t encourage acting a fool or being rebellious and understand abiding by how God instructs us to live and having different laws and expectations in place to keep people safe and maintain a level of order, I also know that trying to control or manipulate people can breed resentment, ruin relationships, and burn bridges. When I finally got to the bottom of some resentment I allowed to grow within me for years and learned to let go of the weights of guilt and shame, I felt like I was free.
After all, you can never really control anyone. People will be people, whether they’re Christians or not.
God is in control. And we all have free will. And I rebuke the spirit of control and manipulation in churches and church-based environments that would cause any believers to live in fear, timidity, hide, stay quiet, silence their gifts, and not be the woman or man God’s created them to be. Someone needs you to be the woman or man you’re becoming. I’ve already noticed some of you and see the untapped potential you possess. This world needs your approach. Your gifts. Your boldness. Your authenticity. And your ministry. You’re allowed to be different. Use what God gave you and honor Him. I dare you to step out and do your thing.
John 8:36 reads, “So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.”
And I will warn you. The religious critics, bound Christians, and those still drinking the Kool-Aid will come for you with criticism, silent disapproval, hate, negativity, and discouragement, but step out anyway. God’s got you covered. You got this.
What are you waiting for?