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I Matter

"Since you're single and don't have a family or anything going on, I was wondering if you could…" 

Take your pick:
 A) Babysit my kids.
 B) Watch my pets.
 C) Work my shift.
 D) Run my errands.
 E) Lend me some money.

Wait, what? Are you freaking kidding me right now?! 

married acquaintance asked me if I could dedicate my time to her request. 

I. Was. Livid.

And offended. The rest of the conversation was awkward. She stared at me as I came up with reasons why I was unable to honor her request. My mouth went dry. I was fighting tears of anger while explaining, Um, I'm not free, but I know some other girlfriends that might be interested. Granted saying no could've easily ended the conversation. Confession: it's still hard for me to tell people no without feeling guilty. The no part is simple, but earning a Ph.D. in How To Say No Without Taking On Guilt and Responsibilities That Are Not Yours To Own is still a process for me. 

So back to the story...

Because I wasn't willing to make her as uncomfortable as she just made me, I carried on and I believe I may have even said sorry. Even though I had nothing to be sorry about. She wasn't interested in my suggestions. After I declined, I noticed how indifferent she was towards me. 

I've been single-shamed before, but this go around, I was fed up. It's happened one too many times, and quite frankly, I’m over it. 

I work about 40 hours a week. And I work hard. I don't whine or complain about it either. I also dedicate my time to my writing, my family, close friends, my church, and in between all that, I dedicate my time to becoming a better version of myself. I have my own goals, plans, and dreams that I grind towards on a regular basis. I get tired and burned out and need breaks too. I also reserve the right to rest. And I have a life of my own. So, does singleness and not having a family of my own, mean my time isn't as valuable or important? I think not.

For the married acquaintance above to assume that I didn't have anything going on or should have been available for her request of my time and resources because I don't have a family, was another experience I’ve had with single-shaming at its worst. When I shared this story with two of my girlfriends, one married and the other single, their jaws dropped and there was a moment of silence. "She shouldn't have said that," said my married friend. My single friend just shook her head and rolled her eyes. What I believe a lot of married people (especially married women) I've encountered often overlook is that single people matter. Our time, self-care, plans, resources, income, emotional and physical well-being, and the things we have going on matter too. With or without a partner. With or without a family of our own. Undervalued or not. Underappreciated or not. Unsupported or not. We do matter. Just in case anyone gets that twisted.

Earlier this year, I tried reaching out to different seasoned married women, in hopes of mentorship, guidance, and advice. In return, I've often been greeted with single-shaming, insults, and criticism. While there's room for all us women to co-exist together, it's obvious that singles and non-singles live in two different worlds. And that's okay. 

Last night, I repeatedly told myself, you matter, out loud until it sank in and I really believed it. Because I do matter.

I used to feel uncomfortable believing that what I wanted and how I felt mattered. But not anymore. My frustration, anger, and hurt are lifting because it's continually sinking in: 

I matter.

To all the single ladies, I want you to know you all matter. It's absolutely okay to say, I matter, to yourselves. Because you my loves, do matter. And should I ever find myself in a relationship with a guy worth my time or interest, I do solemnly swear, I'll never forget any of you or single-shame you in any way. I promise. All you single ladies will always matter to me. 

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