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I Matter

"Since you're single and don't have a family or anything going on, I was wondering if you could…" 

Take your pick:
 A) Babysit my kids.
 B) Watch my pets.
 C) Work my shift.
 D) Run my errands.
 E) Lend me some money.

Wait, what? Are you freaking kidding me right now?! 

A married acquaintance asked me if I could dedicate my time to her request. 

I. Was. Livid.

And offended. The rest of the conversation was awkward. She stared at me as I came up with reasons why I was unable to honor her request. My mouth went dry. I was fighting tears of anger while explaining, Um, I'm not free, but I know some other girlfriends that might be interested. Granted saying no could've easily ended the conversation. Confession: it's still hard for me to tell people no without feeling guilty. The no part is simple, but earning a Ph.D. in How To Say No Without Taking On Guilt and Responsibilities That Are Not Yours To Own is still a process for me. 

So back to the story...

Because I wasn't willing to make her as uncomfortable as she just made me, I carried on and I believe I may have even said sorry. Even though I had nothing to be sorry about. She wasn't interested in my suggestions. After I declined, I noticed how indifferent she was towards me. 

I've been single-shamed before, but this go around, I was fed up. It's happened one too many times, and quite frankly, I’m over it. 

I work about 40 hours a week. And I work hard. I don't whine or complain about it either. I also dedicate my time to my writing, my family, close friends, my church, and in between all that, I dedicate my time to becoming a better version of myself. I have my own goals, plans, and dreams that I grind towards on a regular basis. I get tired and burned out and need breaks too. I also reserve the right to rest. And I have a life of my own. So, does singleness and not having a family of my own, mean my time isn't as valuable or important? I think not.

For the married acquaintance above to assume that I didn't have anything going on or should have been available for her request of my time and resources because I don't have a family, was another experience I’ve had with single-shaming at its worst. When I shared this story with two of my girlfriends, one married and the other single, their jaws dropped and there was a moment of silence. "She shouldn't have said that," said my married friend. My single friend just shook her head and rolled her eyes. What I believe a lot of married people (especially married women) I've encountered often overlook is that single people matter. Our time, self-care, plans, resources, income, emotional and physical well-being, and the things we have going on matter too. With or without a partner. With or without a family of our own. Undervalued or not. Underappreciated or not. Unsupported or not. We do matter. Just in case anyone gets that twisted.

Earlier this year, I tried reaching out to different seasoned married women, in hopes of mentorship, guidance, and advice. In return, I've often been greeted with single-shaming, insults, and criticism. While there's room for all us women to co-exist together, it's obvious that singles and non-singles live in two different worlds. And that's okay. 

Last night, I repeatedly told myself, you matter, out loud until it sank in and I really believed it. Because I do matter.

I used to feel uncomfortable believing that what I wanted and how I felt mattered. But not anymore. My frustration, anger, and hurt are lifting because it's continually sinking in: 

I matter.

To all the single ladies, I want you to know you all matter. It's absolutely okay to say, I matter, to yourselves. Because you my loves, do matter. And should I ever find myself in a relationship with a guy worth my time or interest, I do solemnly swear, I'll never forget any of you or single-shame you in any way. I promise. All you single ladies will always matter to me. 

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