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Gotchu

I like life to make sense. I’m a type A personality and will overthink and sometimes overanalyze something to the point of exhaustion. When life doesn’t make sense, I find myself full of unanswered questions and at war with God, myself, and sometimes, other people. I like to know what’s happening and why. I’m not a fan of unpleasant surprises and I don’t enjoy being caught off guard. In a lot of ways, I like a degree of predictability and knowing what’s going to happen next so I can get in front of whatever lies ahead. Words like focus, plans, direction, details, strategy, understanding, and organization make sense to me. Things like irresponsibility, dysfunction, bad planning, and poor time management annoy me. And when life happens and throws me for a loop, I find myself having to adjust even when it’s uncomfortable and unpleasant. And I don’t like it. Not one bit. I also don’t like living with questions like:

Why do bad things happen to good people?
Why did my aunt get cancer and why did she have to die?
Why aren’t people there for you when you need them? Especially the ones you’ve shown up for, poured into, invested in, and blessed? 
Why did I allow that friend in my life without reading the fine print first? How could someone like me, let someone like them, run up on me so easily? More importantly, how could I allow myself to be so blind, trusting, and stupid? 
Why did I give that guy my time, attention, and energy without reading the fine print first? Surely, I should’ve known better. 
Why do people ghost and try to come back? 
How can some Christians dare to call themselves Christians and be so horrible? 
Why don’t I fit with my family? 
Why don’t I have a point of reference in my life for the kind of woman I aspire to be? 
Why do I have to go through this process?
Why am I not as far along as I thought I’d be at this age?
Why does my journey look and feel significantly different from everyone else’s? 
Why, God, why?

See how all this can be problematic for a type A? Or perhaps anyone who’s ever asked themselves and God similar questions? Life won’t always make sense to us, but it makes sense to God. I must admit that possessing that level of faith and trust can be challenging at times. Even for the most faithful and toughest of believers. It can also feel discouraging and heartbreaking too. Which is why the saying, “Everything happens for a reason…” makes me cringe because trying to make sense of things that feel and seem horrifying makes no sense to me at all. Maybe they’re not supposed to. But I’m choosing to believe God knows what He’s doing. Even when I don’t like it. And even when I’m angry, sad, or disappointed. I’m learning to live through the whys and wait for the answers. I can sit with the silence. I can vent my feelings of frustration to Him and still trust Him. And I can surrender.

Whatever it is that you’re facing at the moment, be encouraged and cast all your cares upon God. 

He’s gotchu.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.” – Proverbs 3:5-6
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