Some people are too painful to be around. I have some family I don’t get along with and stay away from. Despite attempts to reconcile or take the high road, sometimes, it’s just best to love certain people from a distance. A lot of people struggle with this and one of the hardest realities I’ve come to grips with is owning, I don’t want to be around them anymore. When I was a kid I didn’t have a choice. I didn’t feel safe to vocalize how some family members and things made me uncomfortable. I’d stay quiet and think things like verbal abuse and being controlled was normal. To this day, I’ll never forget some of the painful things that were said and done. And as an adult it’s still tough at times. Being asked to attend family functions or events isn’t something I often enjoy doing, but I put on my big girl pants, play my role when necessary, and little by little, I’ve been able to be who I need to be and do what I need to do to adapt. But not without hearing things like, “You’re not better than me” or “You’re not above anyone." Those words have been used too many times in response to my keeping a distance and I can’t help but think that such comments stem from spirits of jealousy and hurt. And while I don’t think I’m better than anyone, above anyone, or owe anyone an explanation, I know what I need to be at peace. And staying away from anyone who triggers unnecessary pain, protects my peace. You reserve the right to do what honors you. I must warn you that when you do break away, stand up for yourself, or part ways, your decisions to do so will not come without family conflict, criticism, anger, hurt or disappointment, but I’ve found there is a freedom that comes with holding firm to your boundaries and not taking ownership for the feelings, dysfunction, or control of others. Jesus didn’t die on the cross for you to live in bondage. He calls us to love one another, but nowhere in the bible does it say you have to like everyone in your family, do whatever they want or say to do, or continue to be connected to them. Below, I’m sharing three tips on dealing with difficult family members. If this is something you’ve ever struggled with, know you’re not alone and that you can be set free.
· Own Your Pain- I’ve met and worked with different adults who’ve struggled with painful memories from people they called family. Awhile back, one woman told me all her life people close to her said, “You’re going to be nothing, just like your mother.” She went on to say, “I did everything I could not to be like her and ended up even worse than she was…” I felt sorry for her. But I don’t believe she’s hopeless. She’s owning her pain and can decide to be who she wants to be when she’s ready. She can prove everyone wrong. As I learned more about her, it was my understanding that her mother was not equipped to be a mother (having a child doesn’t make any woman a mother or a man a father) and she clearly didn’t have the support system in place she needed, which drastically impacted her as an adult. Acknowledging your pain and finding ways to work through it will help lead to healing and forgiveness. You have a right to feel how you want, no matter what anyone says. And understand that forgiveness doesn’t require reconciliation. I’ve forgiven plenty of people that I’m no longer in contact with. Sometimes people may think you’re unforgiving if you don’t reconcile, but that’s not always the case. You have to do what’s best for you and ultimately seek God’s will with any severed or damaging relationships you’re healing from.
· Keep Your Distance (Even When It Gets Uncomfortable) – There are some family members I don't see or speak to. I keep my distance. And I'm 100% okay with that. I won't tolerate being disrespected, abused, or controlled. You may have to keep some distance with different family members as you heal. Again, doing this may prompt resistance from others but stand your ground. Consider building a healthy support system or even seeking professional help if needed.
· Break the Cycle – I saw and experienced different things growing up I didn’t like, deserve, or agree with. Should I have my own family, I’ll do everything I can to break the cycle of repeated mistakes. A huge part of breaking bad cycles is identifying the issues and taking action to change and improve things. Take active steps. Pray for those who’ve hurt you, pray for yourself, and pray for your future family. A little over a year ago, I had a dream I was dating a guy that brought me to his home to meet his family. We were all in a room embracing each other. And as I smiled and talked with everyone, while at the same time FaceTiming my own mother, the mother of the guy I was dating, wrapped her arms around me with the kind of hug only a mom can make feel so special. And there was nothing but love in the room. It was just a dream, but it at least lets me know that anything is possible.