I believe many Christian communities and
churches have failed singles. I could give a fake testimony about the blessings
of Christian dating and singleness, but instead, I’ll be honest and testify to
the fact that being a good girl, doing things the “right” way, and playing by the rules has practically gotten me nowhere. I
haven’t met the right person or even come close to landing the one. I’ve casually dated, prayed, been
patient, gave up, repented for giving up and prayed to keep the faith, read
almost any and every book on singleness (even one about praying for your future
spouse – which I shelved shortly after reading), encouraged other single women
struggling through their own seasons, battles, and insecurities, and finally decided
to take my life in another direction. Because, brutal truth? You can be as
holy, pure, and as good as a Christian as you want and it still won’t guarantee
a quality significant other or a significant other at all. At best, you’ll
watch almost everyone else around you (even those girls who did things the
sketchy and messy way) get a ring, walk down the aisle, have kids, and start
their families. You’ll find a way to cope with it, try to be happy for them, make
your peace, and move on. No matter what though, don’t let what happens make you
bitter or a hater. You’re far too good to be either one of those things. For a
long time, I was angry and frustrated with myself and with God. I’d be lying if
I didn’t question if I might as well have been out doing what everyone else was
doing vs. being in church on the regular. I could’ve been out enjoying myself.
In a past season, I dabbled and had a brief season of hitting the bar scene
with friends and was spiritually torn about leading what felt like two
different lives. Because while churches preach abstinence until marriage,
praise promise rings (I don’t even wear mine anymore because at this point it
feels like a joke), and encourage singles to pray for their future spouses,
they don’t often celebrate singles, encourage them to lead their own lives,
feel safe to discuss sexuality, how to protect themselves if they do step out,
and more. Instead, many churches and Christian communities push for marriage
vs. dating, preach the gospel of sex being a bad thing, when it’s not. It’s a
part of God’s design intended to be enjoyed within the confines of marriage,
and some, do offensive and annoying things like single-shaming, and have a
warped perception that if you’re single, you should want to serve those who are not, by volunteering and sacrificing
your time to be a baby-sitter, pet-sitter, house-sitter, or errand runner, because
apparently if you’re single, your time isn’t valuable, which is a message that’s
been intentionally and unintentionally fired at myself and other single women I
know, too many times. Oh, and some couples and those who are parents might mistake
you for a living and breathing ATM machine who should freely offer your income for their wants or needs, because, the
overhead for a couple or family costs more, because if you’re single, your
income isn’t as significant. How bogus? And should you, as a single person,
have the audacity to decline any of those requests? Apparently you’re selfish...
or so I’ve been told. I allowed what I was taught in church and the environment
I grew up in to influence my belief system to the point that I spent a large
portion of my twenties at church, at home indoors on the weekends, appointed to
the plans and agendas of others, and waiting for a “spouse”, when I could’ve
been celebrating my singleness to the fullest. I can’t get that lost time back
but I can continue building from where I am and switch things up. It’s time for
a new chapter, major changes, and a fresh vision. I’m grateful for singleness. I
can fully focus on my own wants, needs, and desires. And fulfill all my goals
and dreams. And other cool things, like…
·
Enjoy
my own company.
·
Have
time alone to write.
·
Budget,
stack, and spend my own income.
·
Travel
whenever I want.
·
Date
and flirt with guys I actually like.
·
Make
and/or cancel plans when I want.
·
No
pressure to marry or have kids.
·
Move
to another city, state, or country.
·
Spend
as much time with God as I want.
·
Learn
to do more things on my own.
·
Furnish
my bachelorette pad.
·
And
watch a basketball game, show, or movie without disruptions and someone asking
me a ton of questions while I’m tuning in.
Sounds good to me J