I was low-key miserable and resentful. And it was my fault. I was a people pleaser and my insecure need to be liked eventually started taking a toll. People tend to like you when you comply all the time, although I’ve learned, they usually don’t respect you once you become a doormat. What happens instead is you usually become the puppet to their puppet master and things can get complicated once you decide to snip the strings. I knew things were getting bad for me the moment I got anxiety about checking my phone out of fear of more growing requests for my time. I intentionally began avoiding it. How do I change this? I thought. Whenever a call or text came through I already felt myself dreading coming up with a response. For a very long time, I’ve struggled with telling people no and setting boundaries with my availability. Turns out, myself, and others I know have had a difficult time with these things too. When one of my friends referenced me as a people pleaser it put a bad taste in my mouth. I was stunned. But my friend was right. After all, she was on the endless list of people I aimed to please. I was afraid to tell people no. I’d love to write that I’d been fully delivered from having a hard time telling people no or declining different requests, favors, or anything else that would impact my plans, time, workload, finances and more, but I’d be lying. I’m getting better at being forward with saying no but I’m still working through the feelings of guilt with those no’s. Because sometimes, when you want to be liked, you risk doing so at the expense of your own needs, wants, and peace of mind. And that’s not good, fair, or healthy. I believed what everyone else wanted or needed came first, and that I should be okay with that. So I went through different seasons of saying yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyes… I continued saying yes to things I really wanted to say no to out of fear of upsetting other people. And the tension and uneasiness I felt for saying no made me even more uncomfortable. I rarely spoke up and as much as I tried to communicate my discomfort and pull back, people weren’t getting the message. So I buried my frustration, silently. Silent frustration is hell on earth because it’s the kind of frustration no one can physically see. Especially if you’re an introvert (like myself) that’s struggled to speak up, smiled through things, and pretended to be okay when you’re not, just to keep the peace. But my silent frustration was about to explode. Last month I had a small meltdown. My frustration combusted when my phone started buzzing for another request for my time. The day it happened, I was physically, emotionally, and spiritually drained and wanted to rest. I needed to rest. But the people pleaser in me struggled with disappointing someone who wanted to hang out even though I was depleted. I declined the request and was in tears, ranting about how overwhelmed and frustrated I was struggling with telling people no. I know a lot people struggle with this and I want anyone reading to know, you were not created to be a yes man, yes woman, people pleaser, or anyone’s doormat. Confront things head on, be okay with telling people no (without an excuse), and understand you’re not responsible for other people’s feelings about your response. Some of them will be upset but you’ll be okay. It’s not God’s will for any of us to be people pleasers, which is why it’s important to have boundaries. My people pleasing ways revealed a number of things to me, like…
· I don’t like being caught off guard.
· I don’t like being controlled or manipulated.
· I don’t like being withdrawn from if I choose to decline a request.
· I don’t like being burdened with other people’s problems or responsibilities.
· I don’t like feeling guilty for saying no.
· I don’t like being around people who make me feel empty, uncomfortable, and obligated to be around them (this realization led to some challenging and painful inventory of who I needed to distance myself from, who can stay, and who needs to go...)
Being a people pleaser was my fault. I made the choice to do what other people wanted, even if I didn’t want to. I said yes when I wanted to say no. I complied to keep the peace. I wanted to be liked by all, which is a ridiculous and unrealistic expectation. Turns out, the more people like you, the more people don’t like you – shout out to my haters J it’s just the way things go. People pleasing to be liked is a bad decision #aintnobodygottimeforthat. You can say yes to some things and no to others. My advice is to pause before giving an immediate response to anything before saying yes or no. God didn’t create us to give all of ourselves to the demands, wants, and needs of our families, friends, co-workers, neighbors, acquaintances, or anyone else we may be aiming to please. Confessions of a Former People Pleaser is dedicated to those who still struggle with this. I’m still working through this too and you have my support. Things will be uncomfortable as you begin shifting into someone who’s no longer comfortable being a people pleaser but it’s the price to pay for peace of mind. And you can’t put a price on that.