The Casualties of Favoritism

In some families, siblings don’t always get along. Some are estranged, barely keep in touch, and in extreme cases, may decide to part ways for good. Every family has its issues and challenges. But what causes this kind of strain? Could favoritism be one of the issues? I once heard that parents tend to take a liking to the child that’s most like them. Some may argue that in doing so, parents are essentially picking and favoring a child that’s their “favorite” over their other child and/or children. That can be problematic and painful. The roots of favoritism can breed resentment and unhealthy sibling rivalries. I witnessed this happen with my father and his sister and saw how it brought tension to their relationship. My grandmother (my father and aunt’s mother) tended to have a closer relationship with my father, which upset my aunt. She felt like their parents did more and invested more in my father and at different times, my father felt like his sister received more support than he did. My grandfather (my father and aunt’s father) wasn’t present in my father’s life when he was young, and some family suggested my grandmother felt the need to overcompensate for that, which may have made my aunt upset and perhaps made her feel she didn’t have the relationship with her mother that she desired. Similar things happened with my sibling and me. When I was a kid and even at different times as an adult, I always felt like I was in competition with my brother and often perceived that he was the favorite. When he would get support and praise for his accomplishments and goals, while I got little support and sometimes silence for mine, I’d often feel crushed. Because of that, I believed I didn’t measure up to different expectations that some family members and close acquaintances set in place, and I continually felt like a failure. And there was plenty of commentary and incidents to support that. Silence and shade when I got good news and repeatedly hearing things like, boys are smarter than girls when my grades weren't as high and the nagging and comparisons about my love life, attached with being haunted by questions like, who’s getting married first and who’s going to have the first grandchild eventually started taking a toll. I was annoyed and disappointed all while keeping my thoughts contained. But in the midst of the disappointment, I discovered that my life can be prosperous without approval and without racing to get a ring or sprinting down an altar for marriage or being eager to birth a child. It’s not a race. I repeat. It. Is. Not. A. Race. Why rush towards those milestones to prove a point or earn approval? Progression takes time and if you get to those things too soon, inevitably, you risk crashing full speed into a wall instead of letting things happen in God’s timing. Whenever I aimed to openly communicate and address my hurt, I was either withdrawn from or told I was being too emotional, jealous, imagining things, or stop feeling sorry for yourself. Respectfully, I disagree. For a long time I believed I had to prove myself through works and achievements. I wrestled with a lot of insecurity because of favoritism. I know my parents love me but I often wondered, am I enough? Am I ever going to be enough? I used to feel guilty for thinking and feeling that way. The constant earning and achieving of accomplishments, trying to have my voice heard, win respect, approval, support, and favor, only left me emptier than ever, attempting to fill a void I desired. Then I later realized something. No amount of accolades, accomplishments, awards, milestones, money, success, or achievement can buy you support, love, or favor. You have to arrive at a place where you’re wholeheartedly confident and okay with who you are and what you’ve achieved, whether supported or not and realize that you are enough and will always be enough for God. James 2:1 reads, “My brothers, as believers in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ, don’t show favoritism.” Favoritism is prohibited in the bible but people still do it. But things don’t have to remain that way. I no longer feel the need to earn approval or compete with my sibling. I’m learning to let those things go. I imagine that most parents only want the best for all of their children, favored or not. Support breeds success. And equal support can move mountains. Regardless, I fully intend to snatch the spirit of favoritism by its roots and create change. One step at a time.