Last night I sat on my bedroom floor in
silence for almost two hours. I was feeling some kind of way. Angry.
Frustrated. Sad. And disappointed. I got some news that sent me on an emotional
downward spiral, ultimately causing a two hour relapse of sharing my unfiltered
thoughts out loud, brutal honesty with God, and some social media snooping. Thankfully
I was in the privacy of my bedroom, but prayer, pretending to be okay, and
taking the high road wasn’t going to suffice. Not this time. I was alone with
my thoughts. The news I got made me think of all the other times when unfair
things happened. Then I went down the rabbit hole....
·
God, this sucks.
Come on, man.
·
Why me?
·
Why them?
·
Seriously, Lord?
·
My aunt was a
good person. Why did she have to die? She should be here. She had so much more
living to do.
·
Why do people
who don’t do right and live right always seem to prosper over those who do?
·
That girl got engaged
and married. Seriously? Why and how do girls like that end up settling down? But
I’m single. I did things the right way. What do I have to show for it? Is doing
things the right way even worth it anymore?
·
I was a good
friend. I deserved better. Their loss. I’m much better without them anyway.
·
This girl is my
age and she’s battling cancer. Cancer? But God, she’s a good person and life is
just beginning in your twenties.
·
And
the other times of silence have been filled with tears and sobbing too heavy
for words…
Then I shut my mouth. Closed the
social media app. And I sat. More silence. Wow.
You can really miss a lot of things that happen when you mind your own
business. This is not who I am. I don’t social media snoop, anymore. I’m not
that girl. I’m better than this. Lord, forgive me. I surrender… I mostly
use social media as a branding tool and to casually keep in touch with
different people I’ve met and known. Not to snoop and see what everyone else is
up to, determine what’s fair and unfair in the lives of other people, and
certainly not to covet what someone else has going on. But last night, I went
down a rabbit hole I don’t desire to visit again. Don’t go down rabbit holes. They're unhealthy, unproductive, and a total waste of time. I let my emotions get the
best of me. However, I won’t deny how I feel. I do struggle with fairness and
how sometimes, it’s just not fair when it comes to certain people and things
that happen in life. Truthfully? Other peoples’ good news can be a source of
agony for you sometimes, especially if the person is someone you perceive or
know to be a person of questionable character, morals, and in some extreme
cases, a horrible human being. I’m a fan of the underdog. I root for the people
other people discourage and put in boxes. I want to see good people win. So,
when good people are overlooked, struggle, tossed aside, passed over for
promotions, get the short end of the stick, or when politics proceed integrity,
performance, and dedication, or when someone my age or any good person in
general, battles a terminal illness, has a significant other that cheats on
them and/or leaves them for someone else, struggles to conceive children and
have healthy, full-term pregnancies, cope with sexual assault, domestic
violence, verbal abuse, childhood trauma, homelessness, poverty, or death? I feel some
type of way. Almost every time. Every. Single. Time. Most people think like
this sometimes, but would never own it. I’m not afraid to own it, write it, or
say it out loud, though. I just know it’s something I’ll have to work on. It’s
definitely a bitter pill to swallow. Life isn’t fair, but I take comfort in the
one who holds the cards (God – just in case anyone didn’t get that.) And I choose
to trust He knows what He’s doing even when I don’t like it or understand.