I don’t miss being a
teenager. It was a complicated and miserable time. Growing up, I was bullied
from eighth grade and on/off again throughout high school. Originally my
parents considered private schooling me, because, unlike most kids my age, I
was different. Different
meaning socially awkward and unusually mature. To this day, I often
feel like I’m 28 going on 50. I was surrounded around adults for a great deal
of my life and didn’t really click with kids my age, so private school was a
considerable move. However, my parents couldn’t afford it, so I had to go to
public school. This may have been a blessing in disguise. I went to college
with a lot of private schooled peers and one thing I quickly gleaned was that
many of them collectively had three things in common: a lack of good social
skills, being dangerously out of touch with reality, and condescending and
privileged attitudes. Though public school was a challenge, I’m abundantly
grateful for having had a humbling educational experience. Still, I was a
sheltered Christian kid that got schooled promptly when it came to my peers. I
was loser. And I felt like one the majority of the time. I wish I would’ve told
my younger self, “You won’t be a loser forever…” I had some friends, but I had
peers that continually picked on me for sport and other times, because I
brought things on myself. Regardless, small taunting and teasing can progress
and turn into bullying. I was a target because I was quiet, stayed focused on
my work, and kept a low profile, except for the times I was obnoxious, and
desperately tried and repeatedly failed, to fit in. In middle
school my clothing and looks were the first things targeted. Not to sound
self-deprecating, but I wasn’t cute. I was chubby, wore glasses, and had
questionable taste in clothing. I was threatened to get beat up, clowned for
wearing Sketchers, and once for wearing a non-stitched LeBron James jersey (I
wore it the same day another guy in my class wore his and one peer made it a
point to expose mine as the fake and my twinning classmates jersey as real.)
Another time in seventh grade a group of girls got together and spread a
ridiculous sexual rumor about me hooking up with a guy that went to our school.
That was humiliating because while it wasn’t true, it was embarrassing for
people to say or think that I’d do something like that. I’ll never forget it.
There was a lot of staring, snickering, and whispering aimed in my direction. I
stayed silent the rest of that school day. I slouched and silently cried the
whole bus ride home. There was one girl on the bus, an older peer I didn’t know
well, who asked, “Do you want to talk about it?” I shook my head motioning no and when I got off the bus, the
walk home seemed miles away. When I walked through the front door I told my mom
what happened and struggled putting the sentences together. I especially didn’t
want my dad to find out. My dad and I were close, so, explaining a sexual rumor
to him was out of the question for me. Naturally, my mother was livid and went
out to the school to handle it. I got through it. I just knew that things could
get better no matter how bad they seemed at the time. But I continued
weathering occasional taunting and teasing, and my grades started to take a
hit. I remember begging my mom not to make me go to school, and looking back, I
don’t know if she or anyone else realized how bad things were. I was deeply
depressed and tired and my mother was stressed because I was stressed. I went
from being an A student to a failing one, was in and out of guidance counseling
on a regular basis, and as my final year of middle school wrapped, my parents
thought it’d be a good idea to move and relocate for a fresh start. I quickly
learned that you can change the scenery, but that doesn’t mean the situation
will disappear. It was sophomore year of high school. There was a guy on the
football team who humiliated me in front of our class and said, “You’re a loser
and you suck at life.” The combination of stares, laughter, and silence from my
surrounding peers after he said that was utterly crushing and almost
unbearable. There was also a group of girls who’d routinely crowd my locker on
purpose and laugh and make threatening remarks when I wanted them to step aside
so I could get into my locker. That happened every morning for weeks. I went to
the principal and it stopped, but the fact that it happened was a pain. Now,
remember when I mentioned the different times I brought things on myself? Thus
began my bold (and sometimes ridiculous antics as a young Christian.) I often
had crushes on the popular guys at school and was vocal about them, carried and
quoted bible scriptures, and once told some of my high school classmates I was
a prophet. That’s right, a prophet. Clearly I must have been out of my mind. I
definitely played myself on that one. But please don’t judge me, I’m being
vulnerable here – haha. Although I was still chubby and totally insecure, I was
able to slightly up my game in the clothing department. I shopped at places
like Hot Topic, Aéropostale, and Hollister, while struggling to figure out
where and how I fit in with my peers. Then the growing desire for a boyfriend
began to emerge. The guys I liked never liked me back. I can recall writing a
silly poem about a friend I liked at the time and can’t imagine how awkward and
annoying I must have been. He’s
just not that into you took
awhile for me to grasp but I eventually got it. That affectionate poem was
displayed on MySpace. In high school the closest thing to social media at the
time was a platform called Myspace, where people could build their own profiles
and communicate with different friends and family. It was also another way to
check out what your crushes were up to as well. I don’t know what it was (and
is) about teenage girls and crushes. Again, I was obnoxious. So any crush I had
eventually found out when I liked him. My awful poem and annoying message
didn’t help improve things. Being a teenager, let alone a Christian teenager,
was a lot of trial and error. But I got through it. Getting humiliated and
picked on at different times sucked, but ultimately, it was a test of character
building and I can now see how God even used my years of being and feeling like
a loser for a better purpose. These days I feel like a winner. And not to
boast, but I believe I look like one too – ugly ducklings always have potential
to transform into swans. Never forget that. And while I’m glad to put all of
this behind me, I pray for the youth today and have a heart for those who’ve
been picked on and humiliated, and especially those who’ve contemplated suicide
or followed through with taking their own lives. What’s scary is that any
teasing, taunting, bullying, or humiliating moments that happen with teens now,
can be recorded, snapped on smart phones, and put on the internet, ultimately
causing the victims to relive their humiliating moments all over again. That’s
not okay. I want teenagers or anyone else who’s endured those things to know
that they can keep pressing forward. You’ll make it through. I did. Seek help
if and when needed, and know it really does and can get better. Humiliating moments and
all. I promise.
Writer. Storyteller. Unconventional Believer.