This time last year, I confronted
a family member I’d been terrified of since I was a little girl. We got into a
heated argument that ended with her telling me, “You’re not better than me.”
Although I was livid and in tears, I walked away baffled. Really? Is that the best thing she could come up with? “You’re not
better than me.” I’d heard it from other different family members too. What is
it about me that would make someone say such a thing? Then I started connecting
the dots. I’m bold and outspoken in my faith and views as a Christian. (Apparently
my willingness to choose opposite of a sinful lifestyle made some people think
I thought I was better. And I’ve never thought that. I just chose Christ
and He chose me. I also chose to better myself. A different path paved with
education, along with different opportunities, culture, and experiences was my
golden ticket to a life I’ve always envisioned for myself. When people grow
silent and distant as things get better for you, you may have to consider
cutting those relationships loose for awhile – even if it’s with some family.
As painful as that may be, I quickly learned it was something I had to do to maintain
my peace and be focused on my goals and dreams without distractions and painful triggers in the form of people trying to keep me down. When it seemed like I had very
little going for myself, I had little to no tension or problems with different
family members and friends. I had more support when I considered settling and
being content with less. Many people will remain
cool with you if you choose to remain small. Should
you break out, better yourself, and try to be and do something more? Anticipate
all hell breaking loose. Especially if you’re someone who has potential to be
great. Don’t shrink, dumb down, or accept less to make other people feel comfortable.
Especially those who are insecure. Because only an insecure individual would
say something as absurd as, “You’re not better than me.” In many
African-American families and especially amongst the African-American race, there’s
a crab mentality. A crab mentality is
like “crabs in a pot.” When one crab in the pot tries to climb up, the
other crabs in the pot will try to pull it back down with the others. If the
other crabs can’t get out, no one can. How messed up is that? This mentality became
more and more obvious to me as I was finishing my college degree last spring.
Pursuing my degree was one of the hardest and most stressful seasons of my life. And it was especially painful to learn I had family members and even some
friends, try to belittle and begrudge something that I worked so hard for.
I used to be hurt about it, but now? I’m good. I’m not salty. I forgive and
move on. I’m too busy thriving and working on myself. I don’t have time to be a
hater. Neither do you. Don’t have a crab mentality, either. It’s a complete
waste of time and energy. Figure out who you
are, what you’re good at, and go be
great. What are you waiting for?
About a year ago, I had a dream my dad wanted to talk to our family about something serious. I wasn’t sure what he wanted to discuss, but I knew it was something I needed to prepare myself for. Around the time after I had this dream, I remember stopping by my parents place and sensing something was going on that they weren’t telling me. I tried to dismiss what I’d been feeling, but I couldn’t shake it. Something serious was happening. As I returned to my home after visiting them one day, I was in my kitchen washing dishes when a heaviness hit my heart like nothing I’d ever felt before. Something’s wrong with dad. That’s what that dream was about. God, what’s going on? As I continued washing dishes, I started crying and praying. Then in mid-spring, my dad held an unexpected family meeting that would change all our lives forever. He hesitated at first, and as his voice started cracking and he started crying, he said, “Well, I wanted to talk to ya’ll to tell you that I have kidney disea...