I Don’t See A Future With You

Red flags. Instinct. Intuition. They always reveal what’s obvious. Hindsight does too. When I meet a guy it doesn’t take long for me to figure out if he’d be a great match or not. I ask myself important questions, pay close attention, and will eventually ask any guy I’m considering dating or having a future with the following:

Is he a Christian?

Is he single?

How does he take care of himself?

Does he communicate well?

Does he tell too much of his business or is he more reserved?

What’s his relationship like with the Lord, his family, and friends?

What kind of people does he hang out with?

How does he behave on social media and in person?

How does he act when he’s angry, sad, stressed, or disappointed?

How does he act or respond under pressure?

How does he handle money?

Does he pay his bills on time?

Is he employed and able to maintain steady employment?

What’s his work ethic like?

Will he have good boundaries in a relationship? Is he a flirt?

Will he respect me? Can he lead and protect me?

Is he on the down low? Attracted to other men? Has he ever struggled with his sexuality?

Is he boyfriend/husband material?

Can he go without sex before marriage?

Does he want to get married?

Does he have a promiscuous past? Has he been tested for STD’s and would he be willing to take a blood test if we’re engaged and planning to marry?

Is he comfortable talking about sex, boundaries, and expectations if we’re engaged and planning to marry?

Does he care about his health? (Spiritual, physical, and emotional)

Does he have a history of abuse, addiction, cheating, or mental illness? Do the men in his family?

Does he have a criminal record?

Does he have a crazy ex, a child, or kids I don’t know about?

Does he want kids? Would he be cool not having them?

Would I want kids with this person?

Would he make a great father?

What was his childhood like?

What was his relationship like with his own parents?

Has he been separated or divorced before? If so, why?

Does he make plans or is he impulsive?

I believe you know when someone’s a good match for you or not. People will always reveal themselves if you allow them to. Don’t be afraid to ask important questions before dating or committing to anyone. Of course I don’t suggest bombarding someone with all these questions at once, but they should gradually be brought up in conversation. I’ve been guilty of turning a blind eye to red flags and warning signs with different guys, because I got tired of being single and thought I’d end up alone if I didn’t settle and just take who I could get. That’s dangerous and foolish. Trust your instincts and listen to your intuition. Know what you want and don’t want, and understand it’s okay to pass on someone you don’t see a future with. Life is too short to waste time.

Thoughts From a Black Educator: Qualified, Credentialed, and Constantly Undermined

I’m a Black educator in my fifth year of teaching middle school English, and in my third as the 8th Grade English PLC (Professional Learning Community) Lead. And while I genuinely enjoy the purposeful work I get to do, seeing the growth of my scholars, and continuing to hone my skills in a content area I’ve loved since I was a little girl, I’ve had to confront some unpleasant experiences in this space. I’d been through much worse when I was an academic advisor at a Christian university. Racism, sexism, harassment, and workplace bullying were sadly norms in that environment. However, some of what I’ve experienced as a Black educator hasn’t been normal … It doesn’t seem normal to be the only Black educator in my department – in a predominantly Black school. One of my Black colleagues once said, “It should look like a Tyler Perry movie in here.” But it doesn’t. It didn’t feel normal being reprimanded in a meeting (during my second year of teaching) by an administrator who went in on...

Stop Saying Stupid Stuff To People Who Are Childless

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Ditching Dating And Decentering Men

Today’s current dating climate is bizarre. It’s grown so bizarre, that men barely, if ever in some cases, will approach a woman in person and ask her out on a date. Instead, the new normal has become DM sliding, creeping on social media accounts, and liking photos to build romantic connections, which honestly doesn’t sound too romantic or appealing to me at all. As a child of the 90s and a teenager of the early 2000s, I miss and prefer the time when men interacted with women without hiding behind technology. There was something special about handwritten cards and notes, thoughtful dates, serendipity, and intentionality. After having some unpleasant encounters, embarrassing moments, and failed set ups (from well meaning people who believe I need to be partnered), I’ve decided, that now, at 36, to choose me. I’m ditching dating and decentering men. I’m no longer interested in meeting anyone, dating, or creating space to prioritize a relationship. I’ve never been a male-centered woman any...

Making Waves