I Don’t See A Future With You

Red flags. Instinct. Intuition. They always reveal what’s obvious. Hindsight does too. When I meet a guy it doesn’t take long for me to figure out if he’d be a great match or not. I ask myself important questions, pay close attention, and will eventually ask any guy I’m considering dating or having a future with the following:

Is he a Christian?

Is he single?

How does he take care of himself?

Does he communicate well?

Does he tell too much of his business or is he more reserved?

What’s his relationship like with the Lord, his family, and friends?

What kind of people does he hang out with?

How does he behave on social media and in person?

How does he act when he’s angry, sad, stressed, or disappointed?

How does he act or respond under pressure?

How does he handle money?

Does he pay his bills on time?

Is he employed and able to maintain steady employment?

What’s his work ethic like?

Will he have good boundaries in a relationship? Is he a flirt?

Will he respect me? Can he lead and protect me?

Is he on the down low? Attracted to other men? Has he ever struggled with his sexuality?

Is he boyfriend/husband material?

Can he go without sex before marriage?

Does he want to get married?

Does he have a promiscuous past? Has he been tested for STD’s and would he be willing to take a blood test if we’re engaged and planning to marry?

Is he comfortable talking about sex, boundaries, and expectations if we’re engaged and planning to marry?

Does he care about his health? (Spiritual, physical, and emotional)

Does he have a history of abuse, addiction, cheating, or mental illness? Do the men in his family?

Does he have a criminal record?

Does he have a crazy ex, a child, or kids I don’t know about?

Does he want kids? Would he be cool not having them?

Would I want kids with this person?

Would he make a great father?

What was his childhood like?

What was his relationship like with his own parents?

Has he been separated or divorced before? If so, why?

Does he make plans or is he impulsive?

I believe you know when someone’s a good match for you or not. People will always reveal themselves if you allow them to. Don’t be afraid to ask important questions before dating or committing to anyone. Of course I don’t suggest bombarding someone with all these questions at once, but they should gradually be brought up in conversation. I’ve been guilty of turning a blind eye to red flags and warning signs with different guys, because I got tired of being single and thought I’d end up alone if I didn’t settle and just take who I could get. That’s dangerous and foolish. Trust your instincts and listen to your intuition. Know what you want and don’t want, and understand it’s okay to pass on someone you don’t see a future with. Life is too short to waste time.

The Day I Became A Kidney Donor

About a year ago, I had a dream my dad wanted to talk to our family about something serious. I wasn’t sure what he wanted to discuss, but I knew it was something I needed to prepare myself for. Around the time after I had this dream, I remember stopping by my parents place and sensing something was going on that they weren’t telling me. I tried to dismiss what I’d been feeling, but I couldn’t shake it. Something serious was happening. As I returned to my home after visiting them one day, I was in my kitchen washing dishes when a heaviness hit my heart like nothing I’d ever felt before. Something’s wrong with dad. That’s what that dream was about. God, what’s going on? As I continued washing dishes, I started crying and praying. Then in mid-spring, my dad held an unexpected family meeting that would change all our lives forever. He hesitated at first, and as his voice started cracking and he started crying, he said, “Well, I wanted to talk to ya’ll to tell you that I have kidney disea...

Thoughts From a Black Educator: Qualified, Credentialed, and Constantly Undermined

I’m a Black educator in my fifth year of teaching middle school English, and in my third as the 8th Grade English PLC (Professional Learning Community) Lead. And while I genuinely enjoy the purposeful work I get to do, seeing the growth of my scholars, and continuing to hone my skills in a content area I’ve loved since I was a little girl, I’ve had to confront some unpleasant experiences in this space. I’d been through much worse when I was an academic advisor at a Christian university. Racism, sexism, harassment, and workplace bullying were sadly norms in that environment. However, some of what I’ve experienced as a Black educator hasn’t been normal … It doesn’t seem normal to be the only Black educator in my department – in a predominantly Black school. One of my Black colleagues once said, “It should look like a Tyler Perry movie in here.” But it doesn’t. It didn’t feel normal being reprimanded in a meeting (during my second year of teaching) by an administrator who went in on...

The Day I Made A Will

When I was a teenager, I remember writing a list of my greatest fears. One of the things I listed was death. Looking back, it was an interesting item to list because inevitably, death is something each of us will face at some point in our lives. Even though it’s no longer a fear of mine, I understand why and how it’s not a comfortable thing for everyone to navigate. But regardless, this past summer I completed a detailed will. I signed it, had witnesses sign it, and got it notarized. As I was getting everything done, one of the witnesses looked at me and said, “You know, it’s just that you’re so young…” I’ve learned that death doesn’t care how young or how old you are. You can be five, fifteen, thirty, or fifty, and it’s still something that happens. Completing my will wasn’t scary. It gave me peace of mind having documentation in place stating my detailed directives and requests. A year ago, I had one of my kidneys removed. It was a surgery that came with risks that were presented cle...

Making Waves