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Becoming

She was becoming herself and daily casting aside that fictitious self which we assume like a garment with which to appear before the world – Kate Chopin, The Awakening
I believe there’s more to people than what meets the eye. One day I was going through some old photos and couldn’t believe how much I changed over the course of just a single year. I’ve often heard, “You look exactly the same” but I beg to differ. Both externally and internally, I hardly relate to the person I was a year ago. While there are some things that look and feel the same, I can tell a difference. I’ve changed. People around me have changed. The way I think and believe has changed. Towards the end of last year and at the start of this year, I was intentional about casting off parts of myself I didn’t like. Bad habits. Unfruitful relationships. Insecurities… anything that wasn’t working or hindering me had to go. And I finally feel like I’m starting to breathe. I’m no longer apologizing for who I am, what I like, and what I do and do not want in and for my life. I feel good about that. I also learned that everyone has public and private versions of themselves. The public self is what we allow people to see about us and what we are comfortable revealing, even if the public self is a complete lie. Our private versions are the hidden parts. The version of ourselves that we’d likely never want the public to see or know. Our mistakes. Dirty little secrets. Hidden pain and shame. We all have hidden parts, whether we want to admit it or not. And getting a handle on those two versions of self can be challenging, which is why I rely on God to help me manage them in my own life. While going through the process of casting off old parts of myself, I found myself apologizing for having an opinion, agreeing to disagree on different matters, and feeling guilty over things I shouldn’t have, and then something clicked – a transformation was happening. I was becoming. I was once comfortable with the familiar. Playing things safe. Apologizing for who I am. What I like. What I love. What I want. Doing the same things and expecting different results (the classic definition of insanity) and growing frustrated with wanting, but not doing. My public and private self were about to explode. I had both. I still do. We all do. But I’m learning that the becoming is beautiful. It was okay to lean into it – fully. Becoming is also complicated, painful, frustrating, exciting and liberating. My public self that used to be content being silent, going with the flow, and once seemed just okay, no longer tolerates bad habits, unfruitful relationships, or insecurities. She’s done with that and should those things occasionally try to flare up, she says, “Lord, help me in those areas that I struggle with…” The new and improved public self? She’s sharper. Bolder. Braver. Reinvents herself. Has a list of the places she plans to travel and is picking up her passport. She speaks and writes her truth. She has two tattoos now. Never thought that day would come. My private self? She’s pretty dope. She still spends time with God and is more intentional than ever with that these days. She pursues Him like she wants a man to pursue her. She also likes dancing to ratchet, turn up music. More specifically rap and hip-hop (when no one is watching of course.) And when she feels like mixing things up, she’ll definitely have some throwback Shania Twain blasting from her speakers. Yes, she listens to country music too. Her taste in music is eclectic. She likes watching reruns of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. She enjoys hanging out with just a handful of people and not an entire entourage. Quality is always preferable over quantity. She also finds solitude peaceful, enjoys the quiet, and likes spending time alone. A lot. Probably more than most people and that’s okay. She also digs introspection. Introspection is good for the soul. More people could benefit from it if they actually took the time to make time for it. It’s good to get away from the demands and noise of life to closely examine areas you can change, grow, and improve on. I believe in embracing my becoming. Are you embracing yours?









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