The Casualties of Passive-Aggressiveness

Being passive-aggressive can cost you valuable relationships and connections. As a former passive-aggressive person, I can testify to the fact that if you’re passive-aggressive and don’t change your ways, you’re going to start losing things. The first time I heard the word “passive-aggressive” was during a past season at an old part-time job. A supervisor and I had been having a disagreement about a conflict with another employee. I was in a leadership role at the time. While the supervisor and I were discussing the issue over the phone, I felt like he wasn’t letting me talk or hearing me out, so I hung up on him. Looking back, that was massively disrespectful and I could’ve got in a lot of trouble. But the issue would’ve never got to the supervisor in the first place, if the employee conflict had been resolved as soon as problems were starting. Because I was in leadership, it was my responsibility to confront the issue head on, but instead, I got annoyed and never addressed the employee directly. I just hoped things would work out.  Later, another one of my colleagues told me, “Yeah, he (the supervisor at the time) said you were passive-aggressive.” Another time I walked out of a beauty salon appointment with a stylist I’d known and grown close to for years. I walked out because when I’d arrive on time to my hair appointments that were already scheduled, she’d have me waiting for almost thirty to forty-five minutes before styling my hair. She was either overbooked or talking to other stylists. I’d get mad because I felt like my time was being disrespected and I'd never say anything. I continued to keep going to her and paying and tipping her. This went on for a few years. The day I walked out of the salon after sitting for almost an hour, I drove away fast and was so mad I started crying. How could she do me like that and waste my time after I’ve been a loyal customer all these years? I thought. Later that evening she texted me and asked where I’d went. I texted back that I’d left. She texted back, you could’ve said something. I can style you first thing tomorrow morning. I didn’t respond or step foot in that salon again. It was unprofessional of her to keep me waiting, but I should’ve spoken up sooner or just found another stylist who valued my time. She did amazing work, but I’m no longer willing to sacrifice my time to anyone or anything that will waste my time. Growing up, I tried avoiding conflict as much as possible and would rarely speak up if something was bothering or upsetting me. I did those things because I saw adults and different family members around me behave that way. Instead of sitting down to communicate feelings, the different people I saw would either trash the person they were upset with behind that persons back, yell at the person to get what they wanted, or withdraw without any communication at all. Those are very unhealthy and damaging ways to behave. I was also scared to speak up out of fear of love or friendships being withdrawn if I vocalized my feelings. As I got older I started noticing a destructive pattern. Whenever a guy, family member, or one of my friends made me upset, I’d stay quiet without ever being straightforward about why. This would go on for awhile until things got explosive. Once things blew up, I’d say everything I’d kept bottled up, leaving the person on the opposite end either shocked and/or hurt. Usually no one wins in those kinds of situations. Communication and confrontation can be challenging depending on who’s involved and what the situation is, but one thing for sure is that being passive-aggressive resolves absolutely nothing. My passive-aggressiveness was a learned behavior from childhood that had to be broken. And God loved me enough to stay on me about breaking it. Frederick Douglass once said, “It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.” That quote resonates deeply. Built up childhood issues can develop quickly, but take time to break as an adult. But the breaking is necessary for change. Being aware of problematic patterns in my own life was an awakening. Once I realized that you can’t control how someone feels if you speak up about how you feel, it helped make confronting things forwardly and walking away from irresolvable things, less daunting. Adults communicate and feelings are real. If you’re upset, offended, angry, sad, or hurt about something, say something. Don’t keep everything inside. People aren’t mind readers.