I’m a great listener. I’ve met a
lot of people who’ve been comfortable opening up and confiding in me about
things they’re struggling with, insecure about, afraid of, and may feel
shameful about. Contemplation of suicide, sexual assaults, cheating on their
significant others, breakups, challenges with addictions, depression, anxiety, and
many other things they’d never want anyone to openly know about, are just a
handful of things that come to mind. I listen. And I empathize as best as I can. When I listen to the things I’m told,
I think, they’re so brave and what they’ve
been through will be a testimony to others going through the same things. When
some of them open up to me, without warning, I’ve been able to open up to them
about some of my challenges as well. However, I’ve also often been hesitant
about doing so, and especially doing so openly. There have been many times when I’ve been afraid to be seen for who
I really am. I’ve shrunk, stayed silent, and low key out of fear of being disliked
and having my Christianity questioned when it came to being vulnerable with
people, whether it was in person and/or especially with my writing. Lately, I’ve
recognized my hesitancy, fear, and a mild amount of insecurity sink in when
asked by someone who learns I’m a writer, “So, what do you write about?” or “I’d
love to read your work sometime.” As I noticed feelings of fear creeping in, I
wanted to get to the bottom of why I
was feeling the way I’d been feeling, and it was clear. I was being
withholding, selfish, and I was afraid to be vulnerable and open about my
testimony. Hearing the narrative in my mind even made me want to remain silent… I’ve been saved since I was
seven. Have loved the Lord and been in church my whole life. Grew up bullied a
lot as a teenager. Grew up super insecure (and had a number of those insecurities
haunt me well into my early to mid twenties. I’ve often felt invisible and
unheard in my own family and groups of different friends I’ve had. I’m much
better at writing about what I feel vs. talking about things, which has made communicating
with people challenging and frustrating at times. I didn’t go on my first date
until I was 21. I don’t know what a healthy relationship looks like (but I hope
to be in one someday.) Was in and out of college for almost eight nine
years and just graduated from college when I was 27. Had a handful of seasons
when I was backsliding and doing things I knew were wrong (looking for love in
the wrong places, bar hopping, coping with alcohol, desperately wanting and
seeking approval and acceptance from different people who wanted nothing to do
with me, gossiped about people who’ve hurt me or just straight up gossiped for
sport, been unforgiving, vengeful, and a loyal yet failed control freak and
perfectionist. Have pretended to be confident during times when I’ve been the
most broken, lost, and so not humble as I’d pretend I was during different
seasons. I have a servant’s heart for people and know God has called me to
write, speak, and minister to brokenhearted and discouraged people (especially
young women) seeking guidance, encouragement, and love… It can be scary to
be open about the not-so wholesome parts of your life and especially difficult
being open about mistakes you’ve made, insecurities you have, and things you
struggle or have struggled with in the past. People can be judgmental. I know I’ve
been someone who’s judged others in the past, and honestly have still been
guilty of it at times. God’s still working on me. He’s working on us all.
Isaiah 41:10 reads, “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for
I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my
righteous hand.” God can and will strengthen you and others as you share your
stories. As I’ve grown and continue to grow with being more open and vulnerable
in person and with my writing, I’ve found that I’ve become less guarded and honest
about where I’m at concerning different things I’m working through. And I’ve
noticed how much more open others are with sharing their testimonies as well. One
of my mentors once told me, “Your story will be useful to others.” She was right. Even if
they never admit it, I believe most people relate to authenticity. Many people claim
to be authentic, but are often anything but that these days. I get it, though. It
can be easy (yet exhausting) to pretend to have yourself all together and have
people fooled into thinking you’re a person who doesn’t have issues, challenges,
and private struggles no one knows about, however, sharing your stories and in
a writer’s case (writing about them) can help others who may be experiencing similar things.
So, even if you’re afraid, share your testimony. Your
story will be useful to others.
I’m a Black educator in my fifth year of teaching middle school English, and in my third as the 8th Grade English PLC (Professional Learning Community) Lead. And while I genuinely enjoy the purposeful work I get to do, seeing the growth of my scholars, and continuing to hone my skills in a content area I’ve loved since I was a little girl, I’ve had to confront some unpleasant experiences in this space. I’d been through much worse when I was an academic advisor at a Christian university. Racism, sexism, harassment, and workplace bullying were sadly norms in that environment. However, some of what I’ve experienced as a Black educator hasn’t been normal … It doesn’t seem normal to be the only Black educator in my department – in a predominantly Black school. One of my Black colleagues once said, “It should look like a Tyler Perry movie in here.” But it doesn’t. It didn’t feel normal being reprimanded in a meeting (during my second year of teaching) by an administrator who went in on...