When You’re Scared To Share Your Testimony

I’m a great listener. I’ve met a lot of people who’ve been comfortable opening up and confiding in me about things they’re struggling with, insecure about, afraid of, and may feel shameful about. Contemplation of suicide, sexual assaults, cheating on their significant others, breakups, challenges with addictions, depression, anxiety, and many other things they’d never want anyone to openly know about, are just a handful of things that come to mind. I listen. And I empathize as best as I can. When I listen to the things I’m told, I think, they’re so brave and what they’ve been through will be a testimony to others going through the same things. When some of them open up to me, without warning, I’ve been able to open up to them about some of my challenges as well. However, I’ve also often been hesitant about doing so, and especially doing so openly. There have been many times when I’ve been afraid to be seen for who I really am. I’ve shrunk, stayed silent, and low key out of fear of being disliked and having my Christianity questioned when it came to being vulnerable with people, whether it was in person and/or especially with my writing. Lately, I’ve recognized my hesitancy, fear, and a mild amount of insecurity sink in when asked by someone who learns I’m a writer, “So, what do you write about?” or “I’d love to read your work sometime.” As I noticed feelings of fear creeping in, I wanted to get to the bottom of why I was feeling the way I’d been feeling, and it was clear. I was being withholding, selfish, and I was afraid to be vulnerable and open about my testimony. Hearing the narrative in my mind even made me want to remain silent… I’ve been saved since I was seven. Have loved the Lord and been in church my whole life. Grew up bullied a lot as a teenager. Grew up super insecure (and had a number of those insecurities haunt me well into my early to mid twenties. I’ve often felt invisible and unheard in my own family and groups of different friends I’ve had. I’m much better at writing about what I feel vs. talking about things, which has made communicating with people challenging and frustrating at times. I didn’t go on my first date until I was 21. I don’t know what a healthy relationship looks like (but I hope to be in one someday.) Was in and out of college for almost eight nine years and just graduated from college when I was 27. Had a handful of seasons when I was backsliding and doing things I knew were wrong (looking for love in the wrong places, bar hopping, coping with alcohol, desperately wanting and seeking approval and acceptance from different people who wanted nothing to do with me, gossiped about people who’ve hurt me or just straight up gossiped for sport, been unforgiving, vengeful, and a loyal yet failed control freak and perfectionist. Have pretended to be confident during times when I’ve been the most broken, lost, and so not humble as I’d pretend I was during different seasons. I have a servant’s heart for people and know God has called me to write, speak, and minister to brokenhearted and discouraged people (especially young women) seeking guidance, encouragement, and love… It can be scary to be open about the not-so wholesome parts of your life and especially difficult being open about mistakes you’ve made, insecurities you have, and things you struggle or have struggled with in the past. People can be judgmental. I know I’ve been someone who’s judged others in the past, and honestly have still been guilty of it at times. God’s still working on me. He’s working on us all. Isaiah 41:10 reads, “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous hand.” God can and will strengthen you and others as you share your stories. As I’ve grown and continue to grow with being more open and vulnerable in person and with my writing, I’ve found that I’ve become less guarded and honest about where I’m at concerning different things I’m working through. And I’ve noticed how much more open others are with sharing their testimonies as well. One of my mentors once told me, “Your story will be useful to others.” She was right. Even if they never admit it, I believe most people relate to authenticity. Many people claim to be authentic, but are often anything but that these days. I get it, though. It can be easy (yet exhausting) to pretend to have yourself all together and have people fooled into thinking you’re a person who doesn’t have issues, challenges, and private struggles no one knows about, however, sharing your stories and in a writer’s case (writing about them) can help others who may be experiencing similar things. So, even if you’re afraid, share your testimony. Your story will be useful to others.