Breaking Up (With a Friend) Is Hard To Do

Breakups suck. Especially breakups with friends. This seems to be something more common with women, and maybe a handful of men, but lately, I’ve noticed how different family members, friends, and colleagues have opened up about their hurt and disappointment when parting ways with people they once considered good friends. Many of the stories shared, along with some of my own, had common themes of tension, fights, and miscommunication. Looking back, a number of my splits were my own fault because I often got involved with people too quickly, was always the one reaching out first, got acquaintances mixed up as friends, and let my role as the “mentor/big-sister” cross lines it shouldn’t. When you make those kinds of mistakes, yourself and others involved are bound to get hurt. And sometimes, no matter how many chances you give someone to get things right, try to hash things out cordially, and come to a resolution, some friendships are just over, and that’s okay. On the other hand, you may still be able to reconcile and salvage relationships you thought were over – which is why no matter how things end, it’s best not to trash former friends because you never know if and how life will reconnect some of those bonds. Every situation is different. When I’ve broken up with a friend or been dumped by one, some uncomfortable things have happened, like, shade being thrown in person and/or online (people tend to throw stones when they’re hurt), a bunch of our mutual friends cut me or the other person off when they learned the friendship was over, and myself or the person I’m no longer friends with decided to never speak or keep in touch, again. Learn from my mistakes. When cultivating quality friendships, it’s good to have a slow and steady approach. I know social media has reduced the definition and quality of what it means to be a friend with options like friend requests and follower buttons, but, that approach is superficial and often not as meaningful. Instead of being pulled into things online, really get to know people in person. People usually reveal themselves if you pay close attention, and your observations can help determine if the people you’re spending time with are really worth your time or friendship. Second, acquaintances are usually not your friends. They’re often just coworkers, classmates, neighbors, and can typically be people you’ve probably met and chilled with a handful of times, but don’t necessarily qualify as friends. And finally, establish wise and healthy boundaries. One of the most foolish things I’ve done is cross the line with my role as a mentor/big sister to different people I’ve known. I’ve met other young adults who were younger than me, some of which openly shared that they looked up to me. I led them to believe we were friends which caused two problems. The first was my expectations of them to deliver friendship on the level I was, failing to recognize that although they were adults too, they were incapable of being the kind of friends I needed. Hindsight revealed their childishness and immaturity many, many times. While I invested in those relationships, I shouldn’t have ever expected nor offered friendship with many of them. My emotions clouded my judgment, and emotions can easily cloud judgment even when things are good, however, good things in the wrong places typically don’t work or end well. Establishing good boundaries helps knowing who and what is best for everyone involved, even when it’s painful to walk away and let some people go. Sometimes, it’s not your fault if a friendship doesn’t work out, but if you can look at your role in the demise or parting of ways with some of your friendships, and own the areas where you’ve made mistakes and work to correct them, you’re well on your way to having a better and healthier approach to more meaningful friendships in the future. If you keep choosing people that aren’t good or the best fit for you, then you’re wasting time, and that’s on you. But know, no matter what, everything will be okay. Be sure the kind of people you’re allowing to be friends in your life are worthy. You deserve the best.