Breakups suck. Especially breakups
with friends. This seems to be something more common with women, and maybe a
handful of men, but lately, I’ve noticed how different family members, friends,
and colleagues have opened up about their hurt and disappointment when parting
ways with people they once considered good friends. Many of the stories shared,
along with some of my own, had common themes of tension, fights, and
miscommunication. Looking back, a number of my splits were my own fault because
I often got involved with people too quickly, was always the one reaching out
first, got acquaintances mixed up as friends, and let my role as the
“mentor/big-sister” cross lines it shouldn’t. When you make those kinds of
mistakes, yourself and others involved are bound to get hurt. And sometimes, no
matter how many chances you give someone to get things right, try to hash
things out cordially, and come to a resolution, some friendships are just over,
and that’s okay. On the other hand, you may still be able to reconcile and
salvage relationships you thought
were over – which is why no matter how things end, it’s best not to trash former friends because you never know if and how life will reconnect some of
those bonds. Every situation is different. When I’ve broken up with a friend or
been dumped by one, some uncomfortable things have happened, like, shade being
thrown in person and/or online (people tend to throw stones when they’re hurt),
a bunch of our mutual friends cut me or the other person off when they learned
the friendship was over, and myself or the person I’m no longer friends with decided
to never speak or keep in touch, again. Learn from my mistakes. When cultivating
quality friendships, it’s good to have a slow and steady approach. I know
social media has reduced the definition and quality of what it means to be a
friend with options like friend requests and follower buttons, but, that
approach is superficial and often not as meaningful. Instead of being
pulled into things online, really get to know people in person. People usually
reveal themselves if you pay close attention, and your observations can help
determine if the people you’re spending time with are really worth your time or
friendship. Second, acquaintances are usually not your friends. They’re often
just coworkers, classmates, neighbors, and can typically be people you’ve
probably met and chilled with a handful of times, but don’t necessarily qualify
as friends. And finally, establish wise and healthy boundaries. One of the most
foolish things I’ve done is cross the line with my role as a mentor/big sister
to different people I’ve known. I’ve met other young adults who were younger
than me, some of which openly shared that they looked up to me. I led them to
believe we were friends which caused two problems. The first was my
expectations of them to deliver friendship on the level I was, failing to recognize
that although they were adults too, they were incapable of being
the kind of friends I needed. Hindsight revealed their childishness and immaturity
many, many times. While I invested in those relationships, I shouldn’t have ever
expected nor offered friendship with many of them. My emotions clouded my
judgment, and emotions can easily cloud judgment even when things are good, however,
good things in the wrong places typically don’t work or end well. Establishing
good boundaries helps knowing who and what is best for everyone involved, even
when it’s painful to walk away and let some people go. Sometimes, it’s not your fault if
a friendship doesn’t work out, but if you can look at your role in the demise
or parting of ways with some of your friendships, and own the areas where
you’ve made mistakes and work to correct them, you’re well on your way to
having a better and healthier approach to more meaningful friendships in the
future. If you keep choosing people that aren’t good or the best fit for you,
then you’re wasting time, and that’s on you. But know, no matter what,
everything will be okay. Be sure the kind of people you’re allowing to be
friends in your life are worthy. You deserve the best.
I’m a Black educator in my fifth year of teaching middle school English, and in my third as the 8th Grade English PLC (Professional Learning Community) Lead. And while I genuinely enjoy the purposeful work I get to do, seeing the growth of my scholars, and continuing to hone my skills in a content area I’ve loved since I was a little girl, I’ve had to confront some unpleasant experiences in this space. I’d been through much worse when I was an academic advisor at a Christian university. Racism, sexism, harassment, and workplace bullying were sadly norms in that environment. However, some of what I’ve experienced as a Black educator hasn’t been normal … It doesn’t seem normal to be the only Black educator in my department – in a predominantly Black school. One of my Black colleagues once said, “It should look like a Tyler Perry movie in here.” But it doesn’t. It didn’t feel normal being reprimanded in a meeting (during my second year of teaching) by an administrator who went in on...