There’s no such thing as a
perfect family. It’s not realistic. I bet if you took a look behind the closed
doors of any household, you’d likely find some dark places. There’s an old
saying that goes, what happens in this
house, stays in this house. I don’t like that. It’s a saying that can weigh
on people carrying the weights of pain they shouldn’t have to carry. It’s the
weight of parents that are unhappily married and fight, but pretending to keep
it together for appearances. It’s also the weights of substance abuse, parents
who play favorites with their children, or perhaps parents who may be jealous
of their children. It’s even the pain of siblings who rival, and the scars of physical,
sexual, and/or verbal abuse, but, it all has to be kept in house, because God forbid someone seeks help. It’d damage the
family reputation or image. No disrespect, but that’s insane.
One night when I attended a
worship service at my alma mater, a guy I’d just met was able to pick up on
some weights I’d been carrying. I
don’t know how he knew, but he told me, “You’re carrying things you’re not
supposed to. God will love you no matter what.” He was right. I believe he was meant
to deliver that message to me. During that particular season of my life, I
needed to hear that.
When I was a kid I never felt I
could speak up about different things I saw and experienced, but when I began
seeing how destructive family patterns and unresolved pain was affecting
myself, and my relationships as an adult, I knew I needed help. So, I did
something that a lot of people are afraid of and/or too prideful to do. I got
help and went to counseling. I wanted to end bad family patterns I’d seen others
continue to carry on with, or pretend weren’t there, or fail to take
responsibility for. I’m still working at it. In the African-American community
there’s a huge stigma against counseling and a mindset that goes, I don’t want someone all in my business,
but I do urge people to reconsider. Counseling can help you heal. I’m at a much more peaceful place than
I was in regards to some past issues, and I do forgive those who’ve hurt me,
but I still don’t desire to reconcile or have anything further to do with certain
family members. Some are too painful to be around. There have been fights,
confrontations, and plenty of pain. When I made a decision to keep my distance,
I was hit with, you’re not better than me,
plenty of times. I was also called mean,
selfish, and disrespectful. Name
calling is a small price to pray for deliverance and freedom. Fortunately, I’ve
been able to establish relationships with people who aren’t blood related, that
love me and have loved me through the painful things. You don’t choose your
family, but you can choose others like
family. It’s important to have a support system that extends beyond your actual
family. Destructive patterns and painful things will continue to happen in
families until someone stands up and declares: it ends with me. As difficult as things have been at times, it’s
one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.