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Gay, Straight, or Down Low?

I used to be really homophobic. But it didn’t last long. When I was a teenager a gay peer schooled me one day, and her words impacted my once, very rigid and sheltered approach as a Christian. When I learned she had a girlfriend, I didn’t want to be near her or sit next to her. And I let her know it. She smiled and said, Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I’m interested in you. Not all gay girls look at straight girls and want to get with them, especially if we know you’re straight. She didn’t seem offended. In fact, she was nice, and I felt like a huge jerk. When I was growing up, homosexuality wasn’t something that was as open as it is now. And while I knew guys that were gay, I’d never met a young woman that was. I learned that while some of us have different beliefs, we can still agree to disagree, walk in love and respect one another.

Lately, I’ve had some family, friends, colleagues, and even myself, wrestle with a somewhat tricky question:

Is the person you’re interested in, seriously involved with, or married to, gay, straight, or on the down low?

If you have to ask the question, perhaps you have your answer. Myself, and others have been in situations where the question came to mind, and led to some shocking and even disappointing discoveries…

I’ve had some friends and family get with someone they suspected was gay and proceed to have a relationship with the person, thinking they could change them, only for the person they were seeing, to ultimately severe the relationship by getting involved with someone of the same sex, anyway. You should never get with someone with the idea that you can change them. You can’t.

I’ve also had other friends, family, and myself, overlook obvious signs that someone was gay and think that little things we saw early on, weren’t that big a deal, only for those little things to turn into big things in which, during our individual experiences, each of our suspicions were confirmed, with some discernment and confirmation from others. Some people may think, maybe that guy is just soft or metrosexual or maybe that woman is just a bit rough or a tomboy but if you go with your gut instinct, you’ll always know.

Then there are those on the down low. The scary thing with this is, not knowing. I’ve had girlfriends fall for a guy with the impression he was straight (when he wasn’t) only to be disappointed, hurt, and in some cases, supportive, when they found out the guy was gay. Some gay guys carry themselves like heterosexuals males, while leading closeted lifestyles. It happens. I’ve also had guy friends pursue women they thought were straight, only to find out no matter how heterosexual she seemed on the surface, she was gay.  

I’ve seen closeted men who marry women, have children with them, and struggle with guilt, pain, and judgment for living a double life. I’ve seen this even more in Christian environments. The results of the deceit has caused lots of pain. Some men hide their alternative lifestyle behind the masks of religion, pretty girlfriends, going through a bunch of women, and hookups. And the young women on the other end of these situations may struggle with insecurities that they are to blame. It’s wild. People get comfortable pretending not to notice, only later for things to blow up once someone’s heart gets involved, or children come into the picture, or a separation takes place, or when a breakup and/or divorce is final.

Truthfully, a lot of people may struggle with their sexuality and that’s nothing to be ashamed of. I know in the Christian world it’s something that’s frowned upon, but, talking with someone can help. There are people who struggle with their sexuality because they’ve been sexually abused, confused, and want to be straight. Others are gay and ashamed and try to hide it, and some feel no shame and are open and out with their lifestyle. What you shouldn’t do though, is be deceitful about who you are. If you’re not sure, don’t get involved with someone who’s straight and get their heart involved and break it, because you’re working through your own thing. Same goes for anyone who’s straight. Don’t think you can change someone. You can still love, care, be supportive and keep a safe boundary, so no one gets hurt.

How can one tell if someone’s gay, straight, or on the down low? Again, perhaps the answer is in the question.
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