Good Selfish, Bad Selfish

I used to think being selfish was a bad thing, until I learned that there are two kinds of selfishness. Good selfish and bad selfish. Sometimes, being selfish can be a good thing and other times it can be bad, only because bad selfishness is usually accompanied with icky and off putting vibes. I believe being selfish in a way that puts you first, so that you’re able to be in the right state of mind to be present and helpful to others is great. You can’t pour from an empty glass, so if you’re not putting yourself first by doing things that help you be a better person, like, taking time to recharge, having personal me time to decompress, and making decisions for your life that will take it in a positive direction, you’re not honoring yourself, which means you’ll be less likely to help others. Also learning to say the word no is necessary too. I used to feel really bad whenever I declined someone’s request or invitation to something that would require my time, energy, and/or money. My biggest fear was what if they get mad at me or what if they don’t like me, anymore? Now, I don’t care so much, because that fear was a bit silly. If I’m going to be the best version of myself it will mean saying no to different things, instead of yes. In Don’t Settle for Safe Sarah Jakes Roberts says, “If you can’t handle my no, it’s because you’re too comfortable abusing my yes.” Know this, if you say yes to everything, you risk draining yourself. As far as bad selfishness goes, being completely inflexible all the time, having to have things go your way all the time, and not being considerate of other people are great examples of being negatively selfish. If you're not careful, that kind of selfishness can cost you valuable relationships and opportunities to be a blessing, and to be blessed. I wanted to note the differences between these forms of selfishness, because I’ve experienced and noticed how some people are comfortable attempting to put others on guilt trips about this, without recognizing how much good and bad selfishness differ. And selfishness truly has differences.

The Day I Became A Kidney Donor

About a year ago, I had a dream my dad wanted to talk to our family about something serious. I wasn’t sure what he wanted to discuss, but I knew it was something I needed to prepare myself for. Around the time after I had this dream, I remember stopping by my parents place and sensing something was going on that they weren’t telling me. I tried to dismiss what I’d been feeling, but I couldn’t shake it. Something serious was happening. As I returned to my home after visiting them one day, I was in my kitchen washing dishes when a heaviness hit my heart like nothing I’d ever felt before. Something’s wrong with dad. That’s what that dream was about. God, what’s going on? As I continued washing dishes, I started crying and praying. Then in mid-spring, my dad held an unexpected family meeting that would change all our lives forever. He hesitated at first, and as his voice started cracking and he started crying, he said, “Well, I wanted to talk to ya’ll to tell you that I have kidney disea...

Thoughts From a Black Educator: Qualified, Credentialed, and Constantly Undermined

I’m a Black educator in my fifth year of teaching middle school English, and in my third as the 8th Grade English PLC (Professional Learning Community) Lead. And while I genuinely enjoy the purposeful work I get to do, seeing the growth of my scholars, and continuing to hone my skills in a content area I’ve loved since I was a little girl, I’ve had to confront some unpleasant experiences in this space. I’d been through much worse when I was an academic advisor at a Christian university. Racism, sexism, harassment, and workplace bullying were sadly norms in that environment. However, some of what I’ve experienced as a Black educator hasn’t been normal … It doesn’t seem normal to be the only Black educator in my department – in a predominantly Black school. One of my Black colleagues once said, “It should look like a Tyler Perry movie in here.” But it doesn’t. It didn’t feel normal being reprimanded in a meeting (during my second year of teaching) by an administrator who went in on...

The Day I Made A Will

When I was a teenager, I remember writing a list of my greatest fears. One of the things I listed was death. Looking back, it was an interesting item to list because inevitably, death is something each of us will face at some point in our lives. Even though it’s no longer a fear of mine, I understand why and how it’s not a comfortable thing for everyone to navigate. But regardless, this past summer I completed a detailed will. I signed it, had witnesses sign it, and got it notarized. As I was getting everything done, one of the witnesses looked at me and said, “You know, it’s just that you’re so young…” I’ve learned that death doesn’t care how young or how old you are. You can be five, fifteen, thirty, or fifty, and it’s still something that happens. Completing my will wasn’t scary. It gave me peace of mind having documentation in place stating my detailed directives and requests. A year ago, I had one of my kidneys removed. It was a surgery that came with risks that were presented cle...

Making Waves