I’ve been single for a very long time. Long
enough to know and experience the sting of being single-shamed. Single-shaming
is when someone puts a single person down or criticizes them for being single,
and it’s usually followed by unsolicited advice, and concerns from people that
think they know the single person well or believe they know what’s best for them,
because apparently if someone’s single, they must be sad and lonely, right?
Wrong. I find single-shaming insulting, annoying, and unproductive, and the
main culprits behind this blatant act of disrespect? Couples and/or married
folks. A few years ago, I found myself getting weary and sad in my singleness.
I even got physically ill after someone said something to me that
triggered fear, leading me to believe I’d never meet someone, and even bigger
blows started coming at me in ways I wasn’t prepared for. I’m in a better place
now, and learning to be content but not complacent with singleness. I’m living
a full life of my own and enjoying myself in the meantime, but I’ll never be
okay with being single-shamed. Pace yourself, I’m about to go in…
I’ve had “concerned” family and friends meddle in my love life, try
to set me up with people I had zero interest in but dated anyway to get them
off my back, which was unkind. Ladies, never do this to someone, you’ll
reap what you sow. By the way, the dates weren’t bad but there wasn’t much
chemistry, likely because I did things on other people’s terms instead of my
own.
I agreed to dates I didn’t want to go on, but went
on them anyway to avoid hurting some poor guys feelings, when I should have
declined if I wasn’t really interested.
I’ve had my sexuality questioned because I wasn’t going
through a ton of guys, which is insane. For the record I’m straight and 100 %
heterosexual.
There’s more. The following have been said to me. (I’m
not even kidding…)
“I think
that’s what’s wrong with you. You’re not dating.”
“The older you get, the harder it is to meet
someone…”
“You need more experience…”
“You’re too picky. That’s why you don’t have a
boyfriend…”
“You’re pretty. Why don’t you have a boyfriend?”
“You don’t have a man? No kids? Well, you need a
boo.”
My response to all this madness?
Yes, I’m single but I have standards. I don’t
compromise to earn affection or attention. Yes, I want to be in a relationship but only with someone that knows who he is and what he wants in life, and there
has to be reciprocity. And while I’m uncertain of marriage due to the recent
rise and horror stories of disappointment, infidelity, separation, divorce, and
heartache I’ve witnessed different friends and family go through, in addition
to having a warning from a married person specifically telling me, “Don’t do
it”, I’m on the fence about marriage. I think a lot of women and men may want
that but if they could step into someone else’s life that’s already done
it, they might reconsider. Regardless, I’ve got too much invested in me be
single forever. I’m an incredible catch. However, whether God keeps me single
for a season or a lifetime, it’s all good. My life will still be full and
meaningful, regardless of what anyone else says or thinks.
I can laugh through some of this stuff now but when
these things were said to me in real time, I felt my spirit drop and kind of
gave up on ever being with someone. I stopped praying about it and decided, “God,
I’ll just be alone. I’m going to be single.” Whenever I’ve done that, I’d get
some kind of prophetic word or vision to keep praying over a guy that wasn't even in the picture yet. So, if you are single be encouraged. If you’re not?
Please, don’t single-shame singles. I don’t shame couples or married folks, and
ask how ya’ll are still in your relationships, so, let’s truce?