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Guilt

I think people don’t know how to take you when you cut ties with them. It can be complicated, but necessary. I’ve broken up with people and things that aren’t good for me. I’m not bitter, angry, unforgiving or resentful, I’m just done. I used to wrestle with feelings of guilt about this, until I realized that the spirit behind the guilt wasn’t something I should be carrying. The weight of guilt is heavy, and when I encounter anyone who’s operating from a spirit of abuse, manipulation, or control, I can immediately identify the guilt that tries to rise in me, and promptly rebuke it. People don’t like when they can’t control or manipulate you, anymore. Guilt has come at me from all kinds of people: family, former friends, and even some acquaintances, and I don’t like it. People will try to make you feel guilty for making changes, having a dream, not doing what they want you to do, and for choosing to establish boundaries (which are necessary and healthy in relationships). When I sense someone trying to guilt trip me into getting what they want, being controlling, or trying to make me feel bad for not flexing to their will, I know it’s not from God. It’s especially difficult when it comes from people you love, as love can be blinding. In T.D. Jakes sermon series on Instinct: The Lion’s Lair he says, “Just because something’s familiar doesn’t mean it’s natural.” When I started to see that I’d been letting familiar people control me, and stayed in friendships that were unhealthy, superficial, and fruitless, I got woke. I started making more changes.

In You Are a BA Jen Sincero writes, “One of the things you might have to deal with when waking up from the Big Snooze and make massive positive changes to your life is disapproval from other people who are snoring away. Especially the people closest to you, lame as this may sound. They may express their discomfort in all sorts of ways: anger, hurt, bafflement, criticism, snorting every time you talk about your new business or your new friends, constant remarks about how you’re not the way you used to be, brow furrowing, worrying, teasing, blocking you from all social media outlets, etc.”

This seems extreme but it’s true. After spending years of being the “go-to” person and feeling bad about setting boundaries, I knew there would eventually come a time when I’d have to make some tough decisions, at the risk of straining and/or losing some relationships.

T.D. Jakes also went on to say, “You’ve been living in a zoo and someone benefits from your captivity.” He described the picture of a lion that was in a cage, curious about breaking free but unsure of what was on the other side, because the lion was familiar with living within the parameters of a cage. When we stay in situations or in relationships that are unhealthy, we’re damaging ourselves. I wasn’t aware of how much this haunted and impacted me, prompting me to want to make changes. As I made some uncomfortable but necessary changes, I started using the word “no” without explanations, declining requests (some of which have been inappropriate), and standing up for myself. As I did this, lots of tension followed. I was told all kinds of things, like…

“You’re not better than me; you’re not above anyone…”

“It’s not about what you want; it’s about what I want…”

“You’re not allowed to leave.”

"You're not like you used to be..."

“You’re stuck and have nowhere else to go.”

“You’re mean, you’re cold.”

I used to let negativity get in my spirit and actually believe it. Once I realized I had choices and the freedom to make changes to my narrative, and make my own decisions for how I spend my time, who I spend it with, and living my own life, I decided to serve eviction notices on people and things that weren’t good for me. I was scared, but the worst things that have happened as a result have been estrangements, people not talking to me, threats about how God will “deal” with me if I don’t do what they want, and being lied on, but my freedom and peace comes with knowing that those things are beyond my control, so being worried is pointless, and they can’t hurt me if I don’t let them. I’ve already declared, enough is enough. When making life changes, have you ever carried the weight of guilt before? If so, please share.



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