I think people don’t know how to take you when you
cut ties with them. It can be complicated, but necessary. I’ve broken up with
people and things that aren’t good for me. I’m not bitter, angry, unforgiving
or resentful, I’m just done. I used to wrestle
with feelings of guilt about this, until I realized that the spirit behind the
guilt wasn’t something I should be carrying. The weight of guilt is
heavy, and when I encounter anyone who’s operating from a spirit of abuse,
manipulation, or control, I can immediately identify the guilt that tries to
rise in me, and promptly rebuke it. People don’t like when they can’t control
or manipulate you, anymore. Guilt has come at me from all kinds of people: family,
former friends, and even some acquaintances, and I don’t like it. People will
try to make you feel guilty for making changes, having a dream, not doing what
they want you to do, and for choosing to establish boundaries (which are
necessary and healthy in relationships). When I sense someone trying to guilt
trip me into getting what they want, being controlling, or trying to make me
feel bad for not flexing to their will, I know it’s not from God. It’s
especially difficult when it comes from people you love, as love can be
blinding. In T.D. Jakes sermon series on Instinct:
The Lion’s Lair he says, “Just because something’s familiar doesn’t mean
it’s natural.” When I started to see that I’d been letting familiar people
control me, and stayed in friendships that were unhealthy, superficial, and
fruitless, I got woke. I started making more changes.
In You Are a
BA Jen Sincero writes, “One of the things you might have to deal with when
waking up from the Big Snooze and make massive positive changes to your life is
disapproval from other people who are snoring away. Especially the people
closest to you, lame as this may sound. They may express their discomfort in
all sorts of ways: anger, hurt, bafflement, criticism, snorting every time you
talk about your new business or your new friends, constant remarks about how
you’re not the way you used to be, brow furrowing, worrying, teasing, blocking
you from all social media outlets, etc.”
This seems extreme but it’s true. After spending
years of being the “go-to” person and feeling bad about setting boundaries, I
knew there would eventually come a time when I’d have to make some tough
decisions, at the risk of straining and/or losing some relationships.
T.D. Jakes also went on to say, “You’ve been living
in a zoo and someone benefits from your captivity.” He described the picture of
a lion that was in a cage, curious about breaking free but unsure of what was
on the other side, because the lion was familiar with living within the parameters
of a cage. When we stay in situations or in relationships that are unhealthy,
we’re damaging ourselves. I wasn’t aware of how much this haunted and impacted me,
prompting me to want to make changes. As I made some uncomfortable but
necessary changes, I started using the word “no” without explanations,
declining requests (some of which have been inappropriate), and standing up for
myself. As I did this, lots of tension followed. I was told all kinds of
things, like…
“You’re not
better than me; you’re not above anyone…”
“It’s not about what you want; it’s about what I
want…”
“You’re not allowed to leave.”
"You're not like you used to be..."
“You’re stuck and have nowhere else to go.”
“You’re mean, you’re cold.”
I used to let negativity get in my spirit and
actually believe it. Once I realized I had choices and the freedom to make
changes to my narrative, and make my own decisions for how I spend my time, who
I spend it with, and living my own life, I decided to serve eviction notices on
people and things that weren’t good for me. I was scared, but the worst things
that have happened as a result have been estrangements, people not talking to
me, threats about how God will “deal” with me if I don’t do what they want, and
being lied on, but my freedom and peace comes with knowing that those things
are beyond my control, so being worried is pointless, and they can’t hurt me if
I don’t let them. I’ve already declared, enough is enough. When making life changes, have you ever
carried the weight of guilt before? If so, please share.