The first few months into this new year have been rough. And slightly out of balance. I know I’m not the only one feeling this way. I’ve talked with different people who’ve been going through it too. Whether publicly or privately, a lot of people are going through some things.
I’m going to keep it 100. Because if there’s any place where I feel free keeping it real, it’s with my writing. And at this moment, with this post, I’m going to be real.
My word for the year 2019 was balance. Practicing more of it. Embracing it. And maintaining it. With a fresh start and a new year filled with different hopes, goals, dreams, and expectations, I was excited and ready to embrace what was ahead, with a nice amount of balance in the mix. Then life started coming at me sideways. In the form of bad news, disappointments, frustrations, sadness, anger, nuisances, and provocations.
And it’s only been about two months. Two. Months. I believe this year is supposed to be better. It can get better. I can be better too. And so can you.
I’ve prayed. Fasted. Dived deeply into my bible. Prayed some more. Had worship. Exercised. Journaled. Dived into some self-help books and blogs. Went to counseling. Prayed even more and have still found myself in an unbalanced holding pattern of what has been a long season of pressing, perseverance, rejection, and transition, all of which I don’t like. I wrestle with feeling stuck between where I’m at and where I want to be. In-between spaces. Having a lot of vision and creativity that different people I know or have encountered have tried to incarcerate or limit, but that I can’t and won’t allow to die or be silenced or stifled. Sometimes it’s difficult to express. My disappointments, frustrations, sadness, anger, nuisances, and provocations are not things I’m typically open about outside the circle of my immediate family and close confidants. I aim to be positive in public and keep my painful and frustrating moments private. In my professional and personal life, I often feel like the Iyanla Vanzant for other people – listening to their issues, coaching and helping them through their problems, giving sound advice when asked, and being a source of encouragement, often without the people who are coming to me or those asking me for help knowing or perhaps being blind to the fact that, I go through things and need help sometimes too. I know I have God, family, close friends, and the option to get professional help if needed. And I’m not a negative person or a complainer, but sometimes, I don’t always feel like being positive or feel like looking for the silver linings in bad situations. I also don’t enjoy pressing through disappointments and unfair situations either. And I find it especially challenging and discouraging to take the high road in situations where most people would choose (and feel justified) being petty, nasty, or vengeful. Will I be savage and ratchet or do the right thing? Savage and ratchet? Do the right thing? Do the right thing. Do the right thing…
My intention for this year is still balance. To embrace balance no matter what’s happening to me and all around me. I know I can choose what to focus on and what to ignore. Holding patterns are uncomfortable but they don’t last forever. I can allow the disappointments and frustrations and provocations to make me better and push me to where God wants to take me. Prayerfully, what He has in mind leads me towards areas, opportunities, people, and places that align with my callings, purpose, goals, and dreams. Hearing God, being properly positioned, and moving through life and this year, can’t be done without balance. I’m hoping to not only grasp balance but to eventually master it too. And I’m all in. What will your intention for this year be?